The perfect event for cats in the Winter Olympics will now and forever be cat curling, thanks to this miraculous piece of video that went viral this weekend. It depicts events in the 2006 Torino games, and it was uploaded to YouTube in 2011, but it only now caught fire. It appears the world is finally ready for cat curling.
But it got us thinking, seriously, what other winter events would cats be good in? Actually, not seriously.
Probably the perfect event — you wouldn’t even have to wake kitty up. Just lay her gently into the sled with her buddies and nudge them snoozing into the ice chute. You better not be around at the finish, though.
Although getting kitty into the boots would be a problem, imagine the contortions she’ll do when trying to get out of the boots. Bonus: She could wear her sparkly collar and throw a fit on the ice after the event.
This event is an odd mix of cross-country skiing and marksmanship, some of which is from the prone position. Gun or no gun, no kitty is going to lie down during an event and not take a nap. This would take forever.
This would work only if you sent a live chicken speeding around the track for the cats to chase, like those mechanical rabbits in dog racing. But oh how it would work.
No doubt you’ve seen your kitty dart around corners like she was on rails. But could she do that going 80 mph on the side of a mountain, drawing the proper line and setting her edges correctly? Hell, let’s find out.
Same deal as figure skating: Just get her into the boots, nudge her into the pipe, and watch her blast 1080s trying to get out of the boots. Poor kitty.
This event is a nonstarter, because kitty will be so zonked on catnip from the chairlift ride up she’ll need to sleep it off at the chill house at the top with all the other snowboarders.
Don’t even think about it.
Not without you in the ER.
You know when your cat hides behind something big and peeks around it? That’s the first mogul. Eventually, the cat will dart to the second mogul, and then make camp. By the end of the day every mogul will have a cat behind it, peeking at the judges. Cats love Olympics moguls.
You might think this would be the perfect event, as kitties are naturals at dropping from great heights and landing on their feet. Unfortunately, even kitties think ski jumping is totally boring (unless you’re talking about that horrific crash made famous in the intro to ABC’s Wide World of Sports — “the agony of defeat” — in the late 1970s).
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