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Do Cats Have to File Income Tax Returns?

Millions of cats are rushing to file their taxes at the last minute. Of course, they don't have any idea what they're doing. Our FAQ can help.

 |  Apr 15th 2014  |   4 Contributions


It's tax day, and millions of people and cats are rushing to file their income tax returns at the last minute. Of course, the cats don't have any idea what they're doing. Our FAQ on cats and taxes can help. 

Do cats have to file taxes?

No, but for the purposes of this article, yes. 

My cat tried to file taxes but her adorable paws can't work the calculator.

If her adorable paws can't work the calculator, kitty can apply for a one-time exemption. But she'll need to step up her game for next year, understand? 

Every time my cat makes it into H&R Block someone picks her up and drops her outside. What do I do? 

Many kitties who are picked up and dropped outside of tax centers have found better results by using online services like Turbo Tax. She could also simply not file a tax return.

I thought you said cats had to file taxes?

We did say that. Good eye!

My cat keeps shredding the tax forms that come in the mail. 

The authorities are on the way. Ha ha, sorry, just some tax-evasion humor. Don't mind us.  

My cat doesn't have a job.

What do you call napping? A walk in the park?

My cat keeps licking all the neat-smelling ink off the tax form, so it's just a blank piece of paper.  

That's fine. Send it in. 

My cat can't hold a pen. 

Few can. Such is life. 

How many hairballs does my cat have to throw up before they're considered income? 

Three. 

Are puddles of vomit considered income?

God, no. Do you think we're crazy or something?

What should I do with all the hairballs? I must have hundreds. 

Go ahead and throw them away, friend. The federal government takes your word on that one. 

My cat hasn't received her W-2 from her employer. 

Wow, you're taking this seriously. We could use someone like you. Do you object to seven-minute lunch breaks and not-at-all-casual Fridays?

I heard you can deduct dead things your kitty brings you?

It's right there at the bottom -- box 34f.  

What kinds of dead things?

Oh, dead things.

Uh, can you be more specific?

Birds, reptiles, marsupials, crabs, insects, spiders, the usual. But the the main thing is that they have to be dead, and you have to verify that your cat killed them with predatory malice and premeditation. 

This is getting morbid. 

The nature of taxes. 

This is complicated. What's the penalty if kitty skips paying taxes this year? 

Fewer sunbeams.  

You're kidding.

This is way bigger than the both of us. 

Laugh with us:

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