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6 Citations Cats Would Receive

Tickets we humans would issue to these inherent rule-buckers include the infractions of "Public Intoxication" and "Fleeing the Scene of a Crime."

Angie Bailey  |  Mar 3rd 2016

Cats aren’t natural rule-followers. Their independence is a quality that endears us to their fuzzy little butts. I swear they have secret powers over us lowly humans. But still, shouldn’t they be held responsible for their devil-may-care behavior? Because of their inherent disregard for human laws, cats would easily receive countless citations if people could issue them for various infractions.

In fact, here are six human-style citations most every cat would receive. And they’d have piles of them laying around — all unpaid. Slackers.

1. Public Intoxication

"I'll just be right here."

“I’ll just be right here.” Photo: Keith Bowers

Cats like to get their nip on, and they don’t care if anyone sees them flat-out wasted on the stuff. For this very reason, “Public Intoxication” citations would be handed out left and right to these total stoners. Do you think those cats would pay their tickets? We’d find them covered in chew marks and left on our pillows in pure defiance. The sassy cats would already be headed for their next fix.

2. Blocking Traffic

Nothing's getting through this blockage.

Nothing’s getting through this blockage. Photo via Flickr

Kitties seem to know our regular walking routes, and they tend to position themselves directly in our pathways. This is especially true on stairs. This is especially especially true when our arms are full. Most of the time, these “Blocking Traffic” citations would never make it into the paws of these violators because the human administering them would have fallen flat on her butt and probably have injured her coccyx.

3. Illegal Parking

"But first let me get this roll ... sucka!"

“But first let me get this roll … sucka!” Photo via Flickr

There are just some places people — and cats — aren’t allowed to park. In most homes, cats aren’t welcome to sit on a table full of food. Like humans who enjoy making their own rules and sometimes paying the price for their anarchist behavior, cats park themselves on surfaces that are definite no-nos. Sure, they’ll gladly accept the “Illegal Parking” citation, but not until they’ve chowed down on dinner rolls and ham. That’s the the equivalent of a human flipping off the police.

4. Fleeing the Scene of a Crime

On the move!

On the move! Photo: Angie Bailey

You know that telltale sound: a loud crash and then a cat’s little paws hitting the floor as she’s racing away from whatever chaos she’s created. This “Fleeing the Scene of a Crime” citation is usually the result of feline curiosity gone wrong, sometimes involving overturned glasses of liquid or something else that leaves a huge mess in its wake.

5. Following Too Closely

"Still here."

“Still here.” Photo via Flickr

A human dreads looking into a car’s rearview mirror and seeing a another vehicle riding the back bumper. It’s unsafe and unsettling. Cats are silent little buggers, and some of them are made of Velcro — they must be near their human at all times. These are the ones most likely to receive a “Following Too Closely” citation. Not only are these perpetrators on our heels, they like to weave in between our legs, causing us to trip … and maybe even injure our coccyx.

6. Peeping Tom


“Peepin.'” Photo via Flickr

How unnerving to discover someone’s been peeping through your window, watching you do whatever you do. Cats are nosy, which makes them natural recipients of “Peeping Tom” citations. They’re always up in our grills, and they can be super sneaky about it. Have you ever been going about your business and suddenly noticed your cat staring at you? That’s a resounding YES if I’ve ever heard one. Citations issued! Plus, there’s the whole “Tom” thing, which makes the violation tailor-made for felines.

What kind of citations would your cat receive ? Tell us in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.