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Cats Talk Back: 6 Ways Humans are Total Buzzkills

My cats state the ways that humans (me) suck the fun out of everything. Don't believe any of it.

Angie Bailey  |  Oct 19th 2015


I write about cats, but almost always from my own human point of view. My cats believe they need a platform for their own opinions, and they say it’s time they get to write a post about humans … namely me. After carefully considering the many topics available, they decided to write about six of the ways we humans, namely me, are total buzzkills. This should be fun. 

So here’s the final product, written by my three cats. Don’t believe a word of it.

Here are six ways humans are total buzzkills, written by us: Saffy, Cosmo, and Phoebe.

1. They take cool things away from us

Back off, man!

Back off, man!

We don’t get to do a lot of fun things, so when we have a chance to get our jollies, we’re beyond thrilled. Unfortunately, humans don’t quite see eye to eye with us. This means they immediately confiscate treasures like tape pieces, gum wrappers, or pieces of cheese. No fair, and no fun. We don’t run around stealing their fancy phones, remote controls, and books. Well, maybe we do steal their books, but only because we like to sleep on top of them. Not the same thing at all.

Buzzkill!

2. They move us from our spots

An open seat is one game.

An open seat is one game.

Hey, when a seat is empty, wouldn’t you think a cat might be able to take ownership of it? Sounds logical to reasonable individuals like us; however, humans apparently get to make up their own rules. This means they have the option of removing us from our spots and reassuming ownership of the seats. What part of that sounds legit? Total B.S. if you ask us.

Buzzkill!

3. They lock us out

Screening your callers?

Screening your callers?

Humans think they’re so cool because they can open and close doors — like opposable thumbs somehow make them better than us. When they decide to close a door, they create a physical separation between us and them, and it drives us completely bonkers. What? We’re not fun enough for them? We can’t enjoy party time in the bathroom? We party bigger and better than any human — just ask us.

Buzzkill!

4. They put lids on their drinks

What is this madness?

What is this madness?

What’s up with lids on cups and bottles? Humans don’t feel like sharing with us? Afraid of getting cat cooties? Well, that’s not nice at all. Plus, one of our great joys is drinking from their cups and bottles. Sure, we occasionally tip over a precious cup, but again, we don’t get to do a lot of fun things. Lids are the absolute worst!

Buzzkill!

5. They interrupt food-jacking

Instinct!

Instinct!

We’re hunters by nature, so why can’t we stalk and steal other cats’ food? Humans try to squash our instincts, and our chances of scoring extra chow. This is not cool, people. Stop trying to be the boss of us — it’ll never happen. By the way, we totally snag sandwich pieces from your plates when you go to the bathroom. Booya!

Buzzkill!

6. They put us in carriers

Never a good time, people.

Never a good time, people.

Look, we know we need to visit the vet’s office from time to time, but it doesn’t mean we like it. And why is it that humans choose the most inopportune times to load us into those dreadful Pet Taxis? When we’re napping, we want to remain napping. When we’re bathing, leave us alone. When we’re doing absolutely nothing, leave us be. In other words, there is never a good time to become one with the carrier. That is all.

Buzzkill!

In what ways are you a total buzzkill to your cat? Tell us in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.