Football season is here once again and will be a part of our lives until February. If you’re a fan, you’re probably excited about your favorite team possibly making it to the Super Bowl. You just can’t wait for all of the tailgating, the bar trips, the bragging to friends and relatives, and watching a ball go back and forth for three hours. While humans see the sport as something to celebrate every year, our cats are less than happy about it.
Here are five reasons why cats aren’t good football fans.
The main thrill of football season is getting excited to see how far your team gets. Whether your team wins or loses, you’re probably screaming at the TV like you’re watching a bad horror movie. Cats just don’t see the point in this. Those jersey things are too degrading and face paint is just too messy. Why spend a Sunday or Thursday watching that weird picture box when you can spend it napping? Or, you know, doing that homework thing you said you would do two days ago? Don’t even get them started on Monday Night Football. You’d think Mondays couldn’t get any worse, but for a cat they can.
“You mean to tell me you bought all of this food to eat on Superbowl Sunday and I still can’t have any?!”
With football comes goodies like fried chicken, cheesy chips, greasy boxes of pizza, and tasty popcorn. All of which kitty still can’t have … although they’ll try. If they can’t have it, it’s a waste of food, honestly. Then, to make matters worse, since we’re watching the games we’re too distracted to see them begging for food. How are they supposed to weaken us with those pitiful eyes and kitten meows they know work so well?
So, no team ever wins all of their games. Just like in life, you win some and you lose some. Even then you stick by your team no matter what. At least you’re supposed to. Cats are too finicky to put up with losing. Their favorite teams should be just as perfect as they are. If a team a cat likes loses, it isn’t worthy of their time. If they don’t like a team that’s playing, they simply don’t care at all. Unfortunately for my cat Tanner, as a Pritchard he is a Steelers fan by default and has no choice.
There are the Lions, the Jaguars, the Panthers, and the Bengals. None of them have won the Super Bowl, and that is an injustice that cats just can’t stand for. They’re named after perfection. Cats feel like they should be rewarded with rings for that fact alone. Naming them after cats and then having them not win tarnishes the reputation of the entire Felidae family. Yet, teams named after rams, horses, dolphins, and birds have won? They probably would’ve been okay with teams named after horses and dolphins, but teams named after birds? The nerve.
My cat, Tanner, can honestly catch better than many wide receivers I have seen in professional football. The problem is throwing a toy at him when he wants to catch it. He’s also built like a linebacker and can probably take a human down. Again, if he wanted to. Cats are quick, they’re agile, and they’re smart. What would they get out of it, though? A ring? A trophy? Unless it comes with a bag of treats and a milk jug ring, they’re not interested. There’s that having to stay awake for three hours straight thing, too. Oh, and the following orders thing. “A playbook to tell me what to do? How dare you?”
Do you watch football in the house? Does your cat watch with you or is she in a back bedroom, wondering what all the commotion is about? Tell us in the comments.
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About the author: Brielle lives in Youngstown, OH with her kitty, Tanner, and her mom. She is an English major at Youngstown State University, with one more semester to go. She writes about cats, cosplay, and anime on her blog. Keep up with her and Tanner at Tanner the Kittie.