Cats love catnip, but they need us to buy the catnip before they can go to the moon. What does the type of catnip you buy say about you as a person? Not very much, to be honest. But our guide to seven types of catnip seems to think it does.
Look at you, buying catnip blossoms! You appreciate the finer things in life, the fragrant nuggets of sticky, aromatic goodness that can carry you off into all-afternoon reveries. I am not referring to marijuana. And yet, 60 percent of people who buy catnip blossoms think about marijuana during the entire purchase, from inspecting the offerings to hefting the satchel to carrying it out of the store in the discrete paper bag, according to studies I just conducted in my head. Watch out, catnip-blossom buyer. You’re living on the edge.
This is also the best catnip you can buy. Disagreements are invalid.
You picked the spray can? That’s a bold power move right there. A spray can lays down a nice, uniform sheen of narcotic on your cat’s toy, the better for your cat to … actually, no. A spray can? This is weird all around. Just make sure you don’t get the can containing propane, because it’s out there. And realize your catnip is not only bottom of the barrel, it’s the cleaning product used to clean the bottom of the barrel.
All right, we confess: There’s only one catnip spray that contains propane, so stop composing that angry letter. Most sprays come in small bottles and contain catnip oil distilled from catnip plants, and maybe a little sodium nitrite and morpholine — kidding! To be fair, who doesn’t think that coating your cat’s toys in a nice, uniform sheen of narcotic is the correct move now and again? It’s practical, neat, and efficient. You’re on top of things. You’ve graduated from the catnip banana and you’re not looking back.
I don’t think there’s a owner alive who hasn’t succumbed to the catnip banana, so count yourself in good company. And yet, the catnip banana is dangerous, bringing unsuspecting cat owners face to face with a heretofore unknown and highly disturbing substance: cat slobber. Alas, nothing in the world gets as disgusting as a catnip banana, except maybe a catnip cigar. These are rookie products. Get with the program.
God, what a mess. You just want to send your cat to Mars and back for a little while, and suddenly your house looks like your cat threw a party and invited everybody on Facebook? And you keep buying it, don’t you? It’s almost as hard to stop buying chopped-leaf catnip as it is to start buying catnip blossoms.
Behold! Catnip tea. The best part of catnip tea is that it’s not even for your cat. It’s for you. You like to shock people. You like to run with the wolves. You like to invite your neighbor over, hold her gaze for a moment too long, and sweetly inquire, “Would you like some …. catnip tea?“
Sweetened Catnip Tea
1 cup boiling water
1 tablespoon fresh cut or crushed catnip leaves
1 cup honey
To prepare: Boil water, put the leaves into a tea ball and steep for five minutes while murmuring an incantation. Add honey. Drink. Go right to the moon, man. No, just kidding. Just go over to the sink and spit it out and get your life together, you follow me?
Oh, you went there, didn’t you? You grew your own catnip? Godspeed, my friend. You’re headed right off the grid and we may never seen you again. Give Gaia our well-wishes and stay away from the roads.