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Hot Takes: What Cats Think of the 2014 NFL Teams

Are you ready for some football? Not at all? Really? How about some cats talking about football?

Michael Leaverton  |  Aug 19th 2014


Football season is upon us, and everywhere football pundits are giving their hot takes on the 2014 NFL teams. Cats are, too. We got some cats to give their hot takes on the entire roster of the 2014 National Football League season, all 32 teams. Whatever squad you root for, these cats have a blistering opinion on your team’s outlook.

The Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks look excellent this year, with a strong defense, an effective special teams, and a lot of belly meat. Terrelle Pryor is a hell of a quarterback, and the Seahawks’ secondary is the strongest and fattest in the league. Imagine sinking your teeth into all that belly meat. You’d have to struggle to get through the feathers, but that’s football.

The Philadelphia Eagles

When you go against a team like the 2014 Eagles, you have to wonder whether you have what it takes. Picture the play: It’s fourth and three, and the Eagles come in low, skimming your driveway, aiming for the neighbor’s dog or what have you. What are you made of? Do you go for the eyes and stop the rush? The Eagles are the team to beat or claw out of the sky this year.

The Miami Dolphins

A good, solid team. Not the best — those teeth aren’t made for slicing limbs — so you stand a chance. But still: 500 pounds of aquatic strength, along with Louis Delmas as safety. Maybe it’s better to try and make friends with the 2014 Dolphins than try to kill them. I mean, Dolphins — they know where the tuna lives.

The Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens are a bad team. Stay away from the Ravens. I once ate a raven. I woke up and there is was, dead on the lawn. Man, what commotion. You’d think I ate a baby or something. The Ravens are a bad team. Stay away from the Ravens.

The Atlanta Falcons

Not gonna lie, the 2014 Falcons are not to be trifled with. Just gonna leave that there and move on.

The Arizona Cardinals

Oh, how cute. The Cardinals want to play some football. Sure, come on out; bring your star quarterback Carson Palmer with you. Is everyone on the field? How adorable you all look. All the pretty Cardinals, the pretty, plump Cardinals, with no defense to speak of save defensive end Calais Campbell and those cute little crunchy beaks. You look like the platter of amuse-bouche I stole at a wedding. It’s a great day for football.

The Jacksonville Jaguars

Wait, Jaguars? There are Jaguars? Where? Is that one? Where are the Jaguars? I’m going to go live in the closet for a while; tell me when the Jaguars go home after they don’t make the playoffs again this year.

The Detroit Lions

Nothing wrong with the Detroit Lions. Sauntering into the field, taking the lay of the land, yawning, then lying down for a nap on the 20. Nothing wrong with that. After a while head over and steal the opposing team’s lunch, take a pee, mark the refs, and stare down the fans, all the way to Super Bowl XLIX. The Lions should repeat this year, just like last year and the previous 347 years.

The Carolina Panthers

We have a bad feeling about the Panthers this year. The stuff of nightmares. Actual nightmares, really. Let’s move on.

The Cincinnati Bengals

Another giant wild cat? You unimaginative corporate jocks. Couldn’t you be the Cincinnati Mice? The Cincinnati Moths? The Common Cincinnati Houseflies, or maybe Spiders? Would it kill you to name your team after something we would like to eat and not something that would like to eat us? The Cincinnati Bengals will have a terrible season. You can take that hot take to the bank.

The Cleveland Browns

The who?

The Dallas Cowboys

The who?

The Buffalo Bills

The who?

The Denver Broncos

The who?

The Green Bay Packers

The who?

The Houston Texans

The who?

The Indianapolis Colts

The who?

The Kansas City Chiefs

The who?

The Minnesota Vikings

The who?

The New Orleans Saints

The who?

The New York Giants

The who?

The New York Jets

The who?

The Oakland Raiders

The who?

The Pittsburgh Steelers

The who?

The Saint Louis Rams

The who?

The San Diego Chargers

The who?

The San Francisco 49ers

The who?

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The who?

The Tennessee Titans

The who?

The Washington Redskins

The who?

The New England Patriots

Screw those guys.

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