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A Cat’s Take on the 2015 Major League Baseball Teams

A couch, some Orioles, and a three-hour nap -- er, I mean, game; how can cats not love baseball?

Michael Leaverton  |  Apr 20th 2015


The 2015 Major League Baseball season is off to a great start, promising quality afternoons dead asleep on the couch. My cat is a huge baseball fan and part-time baseball analyst — she’ll sleep through any game — so I asked her what she thought of the teams.

Baseball is as American as tuna fish. Abyssinian in baseball cap  by Shutterstock

Baseball is as American as tuna fish. Abyssinian in baseball cap by Shutterstock

Here’s my cat’s take on the 2015 Major League Baseball franchises:

Detroit Tigers

The Detroit Tigers look strong this year and are best viewed from a distance, say, across a canyon. There’s a little Detroit Tiger in all of us, don’t you think? Some more than others? Look at me in profile — Detroit Tiger, right? It’s uncanny! Now get me dinner before I open batting practice on your ankles.

Baltimore Orioles

What a fat, plump team Baltimore has released into the competitive arena this year. It could be massacre. I think they’ll go all the way — into my stomach. Man, thank God for the slow-moving, Baltimore Orioles. What a beautiful team. I’ll eat the whole thing.

Toronto Blue Jays

They’re fast — too fast. Running those bases like they’re being pursued by a predator or something. I don’t like this team. Never trust a Blue Jay. What kind of player never gets tired darting around around the field like that hummingbird I failed to kill in 1986? Never trust a ballplayer who doesn’t slow down once in a while and accept death.

The bottom of the first inning. Kitten sleeps on baseball bat  by Shutterstock

The bottom of the first inning. Kitten sleeps on baseball bat by Shutterstock

Miami Marlins

Now here’s a team with some power to it, and the smoky, rich flavor that cats love. Once, I hooked a Marlin and it took me damn near to China, and I didn’t even have a fishing pole. The Marlins are a great team to smell. That’s got to be worth a few runs, right? Just imagining those players flopping around on the infield as the last of the oxygen leaves their bodies is enough to make me ravenous. Go Marlins! Go harpooners! Go dinnertime!

New York Yankees

Not sure why I like the Yankees, but it seems like I’m supposed to. Are they in the Bill of Rights or something?

St. Louis Cardinals

Ah, St. Louis! Home to jellied hams, itinerant knickerbockers, and the Cardinals, those red-bellied, one-bite taste-sensations from wherever St. Louis is — Texas? Arkansas? I once knew a great Cardinal — solid arm, nice reflexes, a real ease about him at the plate — who I ate. Great guy! So tasty. Can’t wait to see the Cardinals win everything and then get devoured by fans rushing the field. I’ll be right there with them, cheering on the World Series champs and eating them.

Sorry. Cardinals make me hungry.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Whoa, who let the Diamondbacks in the league! That’s irresponsible. The league should have been cleared of Diamondbacks by now. I vote we ban the Diamondbacks like we did Pete Rose.

Seattle Mariners

Great team. I watched 15 seasons of the Mariners catching crab up there in the Alaska leagues, and man if it didn’t get my appetite up. I’d like to see the Mariners go all the way and toss their catch to the fans. The fans need that crab.

It's 0-0 in the third, and there's still hours upon hours of baseball left. Kitten sleeping on baseball by Shutterstock

It’s 0-0 in the third, and there’s still hours upon hours of baseball left. Kitten sleeping on baseball by Shutterstock

Cleveland Indians

The who?

Kansas City Royals

The who?

Minnesota Twins

The who?

Houston Astros

The who?

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

The who?

Oakland Athletics

The who?

Texas Rangers

The who?

Atlanta Braves

The who?

New York Mets

The who?

Philadelphia Phillies

The who?

Washington Nationals

The who?

Chicago Cubs

The who?

Cincinnati Reds

The who?

Milwaukee Brewers

The who?

Pittsburgh Pirates

The who?

San Diego Padres

The who?

San Francisco Giants

I know this team! This is the team that wins the World Series.

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