Humor
Share this image

Can I Take My Cat Hiking? Read Our New FAQ

Hiking with cats is about to go mainstream, and this FAQ will stop things from getting out of hand.

Michael Leaverton  |  Nov 4th 2014


Yesterday we saw this great story about hiking with your cat at Best Friends animal sanctuary in southern Utah. Of course, Best Friends has nice meandering trails for the cats — this is a well-run, much-loved outfit — but we couldn’t help getting a bit worried, because once a phrase like “hiking with your cat” gets out into the public, anything can happen. That’s an irresistible phrase, and many cat owners will be helpless against it, and they will immediately form cat hiking clubs on Facebook and design T-shirts. And then they will take their cats hiking, just so they could tell everybody they did it.

We’re getting out in front of this with a FAQ about taking your cat hiking.

Can I take my cat hiking?

That depends. What do you need to know?

Can I strap little water bottles to her torso?

No.

Can I put her in little hiking shorts?

No.

Can I outfit her in a little hiking belt?

No.

Can I dress her in sturdy knee socks?

No.

Can I put her in tiny hiking boots?

No.

Can tie a whistle around her neck?

No.

Can I tie a handkerchief to her forehead?

No.

Can I freeze dry her food for the trail?

No.

Can I dress her in a rain poncho?

No.

Can I drape binoculars around her neck?

No.

Can I ease her into waders?

No.

Can strap a sleeping bag to her shoulders?

No.

Can I put polarized sunglasses on her?

No.

Can I strap saddle bags to her?

No.

Can I place an all-weather hat on her?

No.

Can I put gloves on her?

No.

They’re Gore-Tex.

No.

Can I strap a cute little cat backpack to her?

No.

Aw, come on! I saw one on Etsy.

You did?

No, not really.

I thought not — please step away from the sewing machine.

Can I hike with her up Mount Whitney?

No.

How about Mount Baldy?

No.

How about Mount Kilimanjaro

No.

How about Mount —

HERE’S THE RULE: Cats aren’t allowed to hike up anything with “Mount” in the name or anything that connotes moving long distances at steep inclines or, you know, actual hiking.

What if my street is called Meadow Rise?

You may hike Meadow Rise.

Can I bring a camping stove and cook for us?

As long as you haven’t gone farther than your backyard fence, yes.

Can I let her drink from a tin cup?

Yes.

Can I let her sniff jerky?

Yes.

Can I let her roll around in wild catnip?

Yes.

Can I pour water from a canteen over her head when it gets too hot?

No.

That’s fine. I just wanted to say “canteen.”

I understand.

Can I put her in a stroller?

Yes.

Can I put her in the crook of my arm?

Yes.

Can I put her in a cat carrier?

Yes.

Can I put her in my baby-carrying backpack that I’m converting to use with a —

I said step away from the sewing machine.

Can I buy myself a new hiking outfit at REI?

Just you? Yes.

Can I also buy a mountain bike?

No.

A trampoline?

No.

A packet of energy gel?

Fine.

Can I talk to my cat using a walkie talkie?

No.

Can I show her my encyclopedia of knots?

Yes.

Can I show her birds?

Yes.

Can I show her field mice?

Yes.

Can I show her bears?

No. And go home, you’re way too far out.

We’re only at the zoo.

I said go home.

Can I teach her how to use a compass?

Yes, please do. Knock yourself out.

Have you ever taken your cat hiking? Are you planning to? Have you just now hatched plans for a cat-hiking club on Facebook? Tell us your thoughts in the comments.

Read more funny stuff: