Humor
Share this image

39 Reasons Cats Would Make Great Black Friday Shoppers

Only pros go shopping on Black Friday, psyched up for battle in the retail arena. Enter the cat.

Michael Leaverton  |  Nov 25th 2014


Black Friday is coming at us like a runaway train, and we’re standing on the tracks, wallet out. Are you bringing your cat to the mall? No? That’s for the best. But here are 39 reasons cats would make great Black Friday shoppers, if you suddenly lost your marbles and decided to give it a shot.

39 reasons cats would make great Black Friday shoppers

1. They could sleep in line.

2. They could sleep in a demo tent.

3. They could sleep on your pillow.

4. They could sleep in your arms.

5. They could sleep on a display of chenille blankets.

6. They could sleep anywhere in Bedding.

7. They could sleep anywhere in Bedroom.

8. They could sleep anywhere in Housewares, Petites, Men’s Clothes, Kitchen, and Outdoor Furniture, if you really got down to it.

9. They could run over a rioting mob’s back to get HOT DEALS.

10. They could run under a rioting mob’s feet to get FLASH SALES.

11. They could urine-mark DOORBUSTERS and claw open BRAINBEATERS.

12. They could eviscerate EARTHDESTROYERS, provided the rioting calls for it.

13. They could take a break for lunch.

14. They could smell a gyro.

15. They could paw a gyro.

16. They could slide a gyro right off the table.

17. They could slide your straw right off the table.

18. They could slide your Hot Dog on a Stick right off the table.

19. They could slide your lemonade and your bag from Macy’s right off the table.

20. They could get inside that bag from Macy’s.

21. They could growl when you try to get them out of the bag from Macy’s.

22. They could sit on the piano bench next to the mall pianist.

23. They could sniff Santa.

24. They could try on mall sunglasses.

25. They could accompany you to the mall toilet.

26. They could watch the hand blower from a safe distance.

27. They could jump in gift boxes before salespeople put purchases in them.

28. They could shred the tissue paper in those boxes.

29. They could jump out of the boxes and dart off in the direction of Casual Teen.

30. They could watch Security talk to you about controlling your cat.

31. They could watch Security on one knee saying, “Here kitty,” as you sit under a rack of pants.

32. They could sniff Santa Claus again.

33. They could paw at Santa’s beard.

34. They could root around his sack for a fish or some caviar.

35. They could chase a rat into the Apple Store.

36. They could chase a preteen out of Forever 21.

37. They could walk into a PetSmart and fall down from shock in the treat aisle.

38. They could check for more HOT DEALS in Subway’s deli-meats compartments.

39. They could finish the day stuck to the side of a Best Buy manager, howling.

Read more funny stuff: