After Grumpy Cat got a nice endorsement deal from Friskies, we started imagining the ads other companies could do if they started courting cats.
(Somebody should really send us a check.)
If you want a great looking lawn that your cat is going to try and eat every second he gets until your house is covered in little green pools of lawn vomit, try Henry’s Turf Builder. It’ll provide you with a lush, healthy lawn, without harmful chemicals, while at the same time making your cat go literally insane trying to get outside and eat it, constantly, 24/7, so he can run around the house guk guk guking and make it to your shoe collection just in time for the grand guksplarrrghh.
Henry’s Turf Builder: We make cats vomit
When you need decent, rather ordinary water dripping trough the tap at 3 a.m. for about five minutes, turn to Municipal Water. We’ve heard the meowing. We know how it rips you night after night from your beautiful dreams, your beautiful bobsledding dreams, and we’re here to help with the finest acceptably tasting, legally sound water-product in your geographic code — though with maybe just a touch too much chlorine if Waterson v. the City of Clarksdale is to be believed.
Now get back out there and turn off the water. She’s been finished for hours and your bathroom is flooding.
Municipal Water: You should have never turned on the tap in the first place, idiot
At the Plastic Bag Co., we sometimes get a bad rap. We’re bad for the environment, we don’t decompose, we’re not “welcome” in entire cities (and soon, we’re pretty sure, some states if our lobbying efforts continues its frankly embarrassing performance) — blah blah blah. But you know who loves us? Your cats. They’re on our side. We have it on firm authority based on some rather odd studies we did in the 1990s that cats LOVE plastic bags, especially Plastic Bag Co. bags. So screw Mother Nature! Let your cat lick an official Plastic Bag Co. bag and shave some hours off her life. (Now with more linear low-density polyethylene.)
The Plastic Bag Co.: The cats stand with us
We know a lot of you out there don’t have warm feelings for us at Genetically Engineered Chicken Inc. We get that. We listen to the phone calls. We read the protest signs. We defuse the car bombs. And it hurts, frankly, because we care. GEC cares, dammit! And you know who knows that? That little fella circling your feet. Your cat. Your little fuzzball. Your cat doesn’t care about recombinant DNA. I doubt he could even spell it. He just wants to eat it. He just wants to eat that chicken. Won’t you give your cat our weird chicken? Someone has to.
Genetically Engineered Chicken Inc.: At least for your cat — COME ON! PRIORITIES, PEOPLE!
About Michael Leaverton: As a cat-owning writer who owns a cat, Michael has had a cat since he adopted a cat — a Bengal. The cat is sitting on him right now. Though she is the inspiration for every joke Michael has ever written on Catster, she doesn’t get any of them. Nor does she find anything funny, to be honest. A dog would find these jokes funny.
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