For several weeks, Southern California has been gripped by a heat wave, with temperatures soaring to the high 80s. The low 90s! And 100 or so in the inland communities. As you can imagine, utter pandemonium, with Targets selling out of personal misting fans and Banzai Wiggling Water Sprinklers. But cats in the area have handled the higher temps with their traditional aplomb.
How has your cat been keeping cool?
1. Walking around naked.
2. Asking for a little more cold on the bathtub tap when she wakes you at 3 a.m. for a sip of water.
3. Not buying your stories about how great the water park was that day.
4. Sleeping in the closet for 12 hours, just like during winter. Or spring, for that matter. Also fall.
5. Not going anywhere near the beach.
6. Not going anywhere near the community pool.
7. Not going batcrap crazy when the ice cream man comes by for the 15th time that day.
8. Running away from sprinklers.
10. Enjoying dinner outside, which is pretty much licking an ant trail in the warm breeze at sunset.
11. Slow walking out to the patio and laying in the hot sun like a badass on the Serengeti.
12. Pretending your spouse is an elephant who wandered past the wrong apex predator.
13. Finding new places to keep cool, like your crisper bin in the refrigerator.
14. Getting really close to the fans you’ve got going all the time. Like, 50-feet close.
15. Eating Popsicles, or rather the puddles of Popsicle that have been forming under you for the past week.
16. Sleeping in the ice buckets at Applebee’s.
17. Watching you silently as you sit on the couch in your bathing suit.
18. Knocking your water glass off the nightstand to make a Splash Zone.
19. Listening to Miles Davis and smoking thin cigarettes while living in — wait, wrong cool.
20. Just loving the frigging heat so much.
21. Telling the dog that she’s old and washed up, because that’s cold, man.
22. Ordering one ton of frozen anchovies from PetSmart.
23. Watching you silently as you sit on chair in your underwear, misting yourself with water and reading the Restoration Hardware catalog.
24. Moving into a penguin exhibit for the week.
25. Trying to not move so much, which has been terrifically easy.
About Michael Leaverton: As a cat-owning writer who owns a cat, Michael has had a cat since he adopted a cat — a Bengal. The cat is sitting on him right now. Though she is the inspiration for every joke Michael has ever written on Catster, she doesn’t get any of them. Nor does she find anything funny, to be honest. A dog would find these jokes funny.