My wife and I are expecting a new baby in a couple of months, and our lives are just an endless series baby-preparing activities — and that goes for our cat’s life as well. Don’t think she hasn’t been busy preparing for the new baby. Here are 27 ways our cat has been busy preparing for the new baby.
1. Eating about the same as usual.
2. Sleeping about the same as usual.
3. Running from the room in a panic whenever the doorbell rings, as usual.
4. Licking her anus 30 seconds into the “we’re having another baby” speech.
5. Leaving the room when we talk about baby strollers.
6. Coughing up hairballs when we talk about baby slings.
7. Hissing at Elmo.
8. Staring silently at the diaper pail, perhaps recalling the Very Bad No Good Horrible Events of Five Years Ago (aka our first baby).
9. Inspecting every box that arrives for scent and edibility, then leaving the room in disgust.
10. Coming back into the room to sit in the box for a moment.
11. Leaving the room again.
12. Sleeping in the changing table, because damn if that thing doesn’t make a perfect cat condo.
13. Waking up in middle of the night and meowing so we can turn on the faucet so she can get a sip of water, as usual.
14. Watching us disgustedly as we put together an Ikea crib for seven hours.
15. Staring at the crib with a dawning sense of horror (Very Bad No Good … and so on).
16. Enjoying the zen-like stillness of the quiet afternoons while we Google “colic.”
17. Helping us sort through boxes of baby clothes by ripping the chair to pieces in the next room.
18. Expecting dinner at precisely the usual time, no exceptions or excuses.
19. Drawing a blank when we explain what the breast pump is for.
20. Asking us whether she’s getting baked chicken for dinner.
21. Telling us that she should be getting baked chicken for dinner.
22. Explaining that if we get a baby then she should get baked chicken for dinner.
23. Practicing her arched-back hiss-growls.
24. Practicing her puffed-tail spit-strikes.
25. Practicing her crazy-eyed ankle-swipes.
26. Tormenting Baby Einstein.
27. Showing us how someone really vomits after eating a nice dinner.