If you share your life with cats, we don’t have to tell you they are intelligent creatures. Felines are highly intuitive and usually learn new things quickly. I’m not embarrassed to say my cats have outsmarted me a time or two. Or six. What if cats could get even smarter by attending college and receiving degrees in their favorite subjects? Here are six degrees cats might earn at Feline State University:
Most cats are naturally good at hiding; however, my Cosmo just can’t seem to tuck his fuzzy butt in tightly enough. It’s kind of humorous, actually. I’ll walk into a room and see a black cat bum sticking out from under the bed or dresser. Bottoms up, kitty! He could really use some schooling in the art of proper hiding. The Bachelor of Fine Arts in Hiding is the perfect degree for that pussycat who protrudes. All lab fees are included in the cost of tuition.
My cats love to lick and chew on most everything. My Phoebe is quite the tape connoisseur. She particularly enjoys freshly pulled packing tape. When the mail carrier delivers a box, Saffy and Cosmo immediately begin gnawing at the cardboard flaps and Phoebe gets mouthy with the tape. They seem to have taken a few classes in the oral studies program at the university. Some cats, however, devote many hours to learning the subtle differences between types of paper, tape, plastic, and other materials. And then they go on to study a variety of chewing and licking techniques, as well as all levels of grooming theory.
Cats love to stare. Sometimes I watch my cats stare at an invisible spot on the wall for a good hour. What do they see? What in the world are they thinking? The novice gazer will benefit from the extensive experience of the master professors in the staring program, and the practiced cats will intensify and deepen their skills. Classes include many labs where cats practice everything from the blank gaze to the most focused of stares. These classes usually fill up quickly, so the university recommends registering as soon as they’re available.
I love listening to my cats meow. Some of my favorite types of cat-speak are the wide-mouthed meow-yawn combo and the question meow. You know, the one with the upward inflection? That’s Phoebe’s go-to response when I unexpectedly touch her. “Yessss??” It makes me smile every time. It’s really amazing how many ways a cat can mew. The lucky cat with a masters in feline linguistics is the expert at translating all types of feline language, including that of cats living in faraway lands.
Cats couldn’t be better sleepers, right? Wrong! With structured coursework, cats can nap longer and more intensely than they could ever have imagined! The professors in the napology program are masters in the field of snooze and are ready to impart their knowledge to willing students. The napping labs at the university are world-renowned and often used for top secret feline sleep studies. And the occasional kitty sleepover.
Nobody loves themselves more than cats. They’re always looking out for No. 1 and enjoy blatantly ignoring us in favor of their own kitty agenda. What cats learn in this self-important program is that narcissism is really an art. When practiced badly, it can come across as crass and even barbaric; however, when the conceit is truly owned, it possesses a chic flair that cats unapologetically flaunt for anyone who will look. And even for those who aren’t looking.
What type of degree would your cat earn? Tell us about it in the comments!
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