Every year I watch you humans hoist peppermint schnapps and bray The 12 Days of Christmas, then scoff at the appropriateness of giving gifts such as swans a-swimming and geese a-laying in the 21st century. All I can think is, “My oh my, that sounds delicious!”
To a cat, these presents sound incredible, and throughly modern. Well, most of them. Here’s what I think of the offerings in The 12 Days of Christmas.
To start us off, let us all sing (drunk): “On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”
A drum circle? Pfft! I’ll be under the bed chewing on a phone cord.
WHAT IS THIS RACKET?
Return these lords to England posthaste. Can we just skip straight to the milk and the maids, please?
Ah! I remember milk, those saucers full of cool tranquility you served me as a kitten before your dammed gastroenterological awakening. I think I would enjoy these eight maids a-milking very much right now. I assume I would get the cows, too? (You’re off the hook for Valentine’s Day if you throw in the cows.)
Now we’re talking Christmas! This is some fine, meaty waterfowl, and I expect I’ll be presented with the swans a-swimming in the bathtub, where I can swat at them until they sink a-dead under my blizzard of precision strikes. I’m sorry if I disgust you, but this is a damned fine gift.
Are these 14-pound Canada Geese? Are they indisposed during the a-laying process, possibly unaware of a master predator? I would very much like to try my hand at six birthing Canada Geese who have their necks exposed and their attention on their young — or whatever an egg is.
You mean intestinal rings? LOVE IT.
I have no idea what a colly bird is but I am ready to rip open this present like a serial killer.
Did you know that a French hen is technically called a Faverolles, named after the village in which the breed was developed in the 1860s? My policy: You should know everything about what you destroy.
These are so adorable it would be almost sad to watch them die — if I weren’t a predator! It’s actually amazing!
You can keep the pear tree.
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