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What a Cat Thinks of “The 12 Days of Christmas”

Four colly birds, three French hens, two turtle doves -- yum!

Stella the Cat  |  Nov 27th 2012


Every year I watch you humans hoist peppermint schnapps and bray The 12 Days of Christmas, then scoff at the appropriateness of giving gifts such as swans a-swimming and geese a-laying in the 21st century. All I can think is, “My oh my, that sounds delicious!”

To a cat, these presents sound incredible, and throughly modern. Well, most of them. Here’s what I think of the offerings in The 12 Days of Christmas.

To start us off, let us all sing (drunk): “On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”

12 Drummers Drumming

A drum circle? Pfft! I’ll be under the bed chewing on a phone cord.

11 Pipers Piping

WHAT IS THIS RACKET?

10 Lords a-Leaping

Return these lords to England posthaste. Can we just skip straight to the milk and the maids, please?

9 [redacted]

8 Maids a-Milking

Ah! I remember milk, those saucers full of cool tranquility you served me as a kitten before your dammed gastroenterological awakening. I think I would enjoy these eight maids a-milking very much right now. I assume I would get the cows, too? (You’re off the hook for Valentine’s Day if you throw in the cows.)

7 Swans a-Swimming

Now we’re talking Christmas! This is some fine, meaty waterfowl, and I expect I’ll be presented with the swans a-swimming in the bathtub, where I can swat at them until they sink a-dead under my blizzard of precision strikes. I’m sorry if I disgust you, but this is a damned fine gift.

6 Geese a-Laying

Are these 14-pound Canada Geese? Are they indisposed during the a-laying process, possibly unaware of a master predator? I would very much like to try my hand at six birthing Canada Geese who have their necks exposed and their attention on their young — or whatever an egg is.

5 GOOOOLD Rings

You mean intestinal rings? LOVE IT.

4 Colly Birds

I have no idea what a colly bird is but I am ready to rip open this present like a serial killer.

3 French Hens

Did you know that a French hen is technically called a Faverolles, named after the village in which the breed was developed in the 1860s? My policy: You should know everything about what you destroy.

2 Turtle Doves

These are so adorable it would be almost sad to watch them die — if I weren’t a predator! It’s actually amazing!

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

You can keep the pear tree.

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