Valentine’s Day came and went, and we didn’t even post a sarcastic article on how to help your cat woo his or her sweetheart and plan a fun, romantic date!
We remedy that now. Here are a bunch of bullets points, in no particular order (really), about how to plan the perfect date for your cat.
- First, find another cat for the date. What about that cute tabby across the street your cat has his eye on?
- And by “eye on,” we mean “glaring at and puffing his tail whenever she appears in the window.”
- Fix a nice romantic dinner, nothing too elaborate — maybe a lasagne? Garfield likes lasagne.
- You can also prepare a quail quiche and a steak, if you’re coming over to my house soon.
- Don’t put any tomatoes in it; because cats hate tomatoes. I do, too, coincidently.
- They also sell bags of precooked grilled chicken in the refrigerated section of your local store for $3.47, right next to the bulk thighs, or so I’ve heard.
- Hell, just look for a can that says “salmon” on it and open it.
- For drinks, just turn on the bathtub faucet and run.
- Just kidding, you don’t have to run.
- As for romance, nothing says romance like crinkle balls
- Actually, nothing says romance like feather wands.
- To be honest, nothing says romance like Zappos boxes.
- Or any boxes.
- Maybe grocery bags.
- Oh, who the hell knows.
- Now, pick out some romantic music. Depending on your age, that could be anything. Bach? Steely Dan? Uh, Slipknot.
- Actually, let’s skip the romantic music.
- Now, get your kitty in the mood for … whatever (I really don’t know because your cat is fixed of course) … by offering him a catnip cigar.
- And maybe some dried catnip leaves sprinkled on a scratching post.
- And how about a pouch of catnip — keep it simple.
- Okay, so I guess what you’re really doing here is throwing a drug party?
- Put away all the catnip.
- Remind your kitty how to woo a lady. No scratching biting hissing spitting.
- Or cursing screaming whining crying.
- Or pleading scheming barfing farting.
- Or singing.
- Now, have you asked the neighbor across the street to bring her kitty over? Do so now.
- Try again — maybe she didn’t understand you correctly.
- Did you use the phrase, “Would your kitty like to go on a date at my house?” like I told you to? Get back over there, Cupid!
- Huh, she really said that?
- Let me think a moment.
- You know, you could just steal the kitty.
- Sorry, that was wrong of me.
- Maybe a guide to cats dating was not a good idea after all.
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