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Back-to-school routines are now in full swing across the nation, and houses have gone quiet, leaving the cats to while away the afternoons in peace. But while everyone gets a new back-to-school routine, why shouldn’t the cat? Here’s an official back-to-school schedule for a cat.

Morning

  • Helping the kids get a fresh start on the day by waking them up at 3 a.m. for a drink of water and then going back to sleep in the closet.
  • Eating the kids’ homework and blaming it on the dog.
  • Giggling over the idea of school. Also over the idea of leaving the house.
  • Eating the kids’ lunch.
  • Ushering the kids toward the door by vomiting in their bedrooms.
  • Waving goodbye to the kids with just her eyes, which are closed, because kitty is asleep after such a trying morning.

Afternoon

  • Doing the usual sleeping, yawning, stretching, staring, purring, and farting, but now with a little more farting.
  • Staring at the refrigerator and thinking about cheese.
  • Walking away from the mailman backwards, just for kicks.
  • Lying on the bed and eating chocolates — wait, no, that’s Mom.
  • Drilling holes in a board over and over in the garage — wait, no, that’s Dad.
  • Tearing apart the house looking for two matching socks — wait, no, that’s me.
  • Staring at something new, like a bug, a leaf. Maybe that picture of Pat Sajak you have over the fireplace.
  • Thinking about adding another fart to the afternoon.
  • Trying to figure out how to make school occur year-round, what with how peaceful it can make an afternoon.

Evening

  • Vanishing for the first three hours everyone is back home.
  • Asking the kids how their days were and then yawning until bedtime.
  • Helping the kids with their homework by staring impassively at them from across the room.
  • Helping the kids with their baths by giggling at them when they are in the bath.
  • Darting off to eat the kids’ dinners.
  • Returning to display their luxurious dryness.
  • Eating the kids’ desserts.
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