7 New Year's Resolutions My Cats Wish I'd Made
It's that clichéd time of year when everyone is making new year's resolutions, and I am no different. I have goals for the new year and plan to achieve them.
With that thought in mind, I turned to my seven fur babies and asked them what they wanted for the new year. Their replies were very self-centered and all had to do with things that my husband and I needed to do for them. Humph!
I will be the bigger person and try to address their concerns the best I can … eventually. For now, I will share their narcissistic requests for your entertainment. Happy New Year!
I am so sick and tired of being cold and not being able to reach the heating blanket. I want -- no, insist -- you turn up the thermostat above the freezing point (80 degrees would suffice) and install stairs to the platform thingy where you lay the heating blanket. Having to pace and cry to get your attention so you will pick me up and put me on the platform is so beneath me.
I should not have to pat your leg and cry every single morning to get you to give me my special soft food. The first thing you do each day, before even going to the bathroom, should be to take care of my needs.
You should also just go ahead and give me a plate of my own macaroni and cheese when you make it. I am too old and tired to have to scream and beg, and, eventually you always force me to smack you and just grab what I need off your own plate. You need to be less selfish, period.
QUIT PICKING AT MY FACE! I am fully capable of cleaning my own eyes and nose. I enjoy having crusty things there. You constantly expecting perfection is annoying and, quite frankly, the cause for all of my body dysmorphic disorder. Love me, love my crusties.
It hurts my feelings when you won’t let me wash your hair and face until I, myself, feel it is truly clean. When you say “Now now, that is enough,” it is like a punch to my gut.
Also, quit saying "Not the nose, Meeks.” I love your nose. I love to nibble it and bite and lick it. It is a good thing, and you need to adjust so that I can express my emotions and love for you the way I want. It is really not up to you how I express myself after all! There is a little thing called the Constitution, and I know Freedom of Expression is covered. I am pretty sure it is illegal for you to try to censor me!
Dad needs to really relax about our shoes. He is so stingy and will not share them with me. It is not fair that I have four tiny feet and never get to wear our shoes anywhere, but he gets angry when I even wear them with my gums and teeth.
What am I supposed to do? How else can I wear them and get any use out of them? Stop being greedy, Dad!
If you are in your desk chair and just sitting there doing nothing but staring at that flat window, you really have no excuse for not holding me over your shoulder. I mean, do you really need both hands for that thing you pound your fingers on all the time? I am sure you could just do it with one hand. Do you even need to pound it at all? Because then you could hold me with BOTH hands and that would be perfect!
Dad needs to pay attention and not be so dense. I don’t speak English or Swedish, so I have no options other than body language in which to communicate.
That said, I should not have to walk all over him, nudge his hands, stomp on his head and neck, pick at the blankets, and circle behind him on his pillow over and over and over to get him to lift up the covers and let me in. I think one pick at the blankets should be an automatic message to lift up. Snuggling between his legs in the knee cave should not be so hard to achieve, and it is not like he does not benefit from my thigh bathing and radiant heat. Sheesh!
There you have it! And know this: These are but a very small portion of their individual demands. They also had quite a few pride demands. What was their #1 group demand, you ask?
"MORE CATNIP TREATS!"
Here’s hoping all your fur babies had a Happy New Year and may all their unspoken (or spoken) wishes come true. What did your kitties ask you to do for them in 2013? Let us know below!