The 6 Stages of Grief for Cats on the Wrong Side of the Door
There is nothing that distresses a cat more than to be separated from you in the bathroom, as we see in this video. We don't know why the bathroom door is a particularly upsetting divider, because we're not cats (at least, we're not cats most of the time). We can't decipher this strange behavior.
All we do know is that when a cat gets a door in his face it might as well be the end of the world for him. And because cats have no concept of time (apart from the growling in their bellies), what might be only five minutes is, like, forever to a cat. It's like you've simply disappeared. And that's when they go through the five stages of grief.
"The door is not closed. In fact, there is no door. That's right -- there is no door. A door can't be closed if it doesn't actually exist. I feel fine. There is no door."
"Whyyy don't I have opposable thumbs? Open that door. Do you hear me? Open that door! Or I swear by the mane of Mufasa I'll scratch the fluff out of this particle board! Open the door -- open it!"
"Please oh please open the door. I won't terrorize the dog anymore if you open the door -- I promise! Come on, just a crack. If you open the door, I promise I'll wake you at a more decent hour to feed me -- instead of 4 a.m. I'll make it 4:30 a.m. Please just open the door. I'm dying over here. I swear I'm dying."
"Human friend, you're harshing my catnip mellow. Come on, man, I'm sorry about peeing on the sofa. I'm sorry about pooping outside the litter box that one time I was mad at you. I think I'm just going to throw myself on the floor here and never get up again. I don't even care that there's a sun puddle over there, it doesn't make me happy anymore."
"I accept this. I am not happy about this, but I accept it."
The moment you open the door, however, you'll never see a happier cat, which is the final stage of grief:
"By the mane of Mufasa I'm so glad to see you! If something happens to you, who will feed me? I'll have to eat the dog! And oh, that thing about not peeing on your suede ottoman anymore? Yeah, I didn't mean it."
If you thought that was funny, check out this video of a cat curling up by the commode or Angie Bailey's hilarious Yelp-like reviews from cats. We also wonder what would happen if Colonel Meow and Lil Bub went to war.