My human son graduates from high school this year, and he’s been busy applying for scholarships. I, of course, am all for this! While perusing the sites that list the available awards, I noticed an interesting variety of organizations offering scholarships to college-bound students. There was everything from various memorial funds to the Wisconsin Dairy Association.
Of course, my mind immediately went to cats. I began to imagine the types of cat-run organizations that would offer scholarships to kitties. That is, if kitties went to college. For the sake of a few laughs, let’s just say they do go to college, and they’re scratching around for financial aid. Here are six organizations that would hand over college cash to cats, and what they’d require for submission.
The American Society for Cardboard Research is committed to providing feline consumers with the latest reviews of cardboard boxes. This is valuable information for cats who desire quality boxes in which to nap and spend leisure time. They don’t want to waste their time on flimsy boxes that only last for one or two occupations.
To qualify for this award, cats must submit a 500-word essay describing their best experience in a cardboard box. They must include the size of box and the store from which it came.
The Counter Cruiser Coalition was created by a group of rebellious cats who refused to follow “stay off the counter” rules. They began as a grassroots movement that grew so quickly they decided to form a 501(c)(3) organization. Their mission is to encourage cats to participate in acts of civil disobedience.
To qualify for this award, cats must submit a minimum of three photos of themselves on a kitchen counter and provide captions for each one. Example: “Counter Culture Revolution!”
The National Institute of Purebreds (N.I.P.) is an exclusive organization that provides top-dollar awards to purebred cats. N.I.P.’s primary mission is to teach purebreds how to properly pose for photographs.
To qualify for this award, cats must submit a copy of their purebred papers, along with a headshot that best captures the intellect of a successful college student. Props are suggested.
Feline Litter-acy Association is committed to teaching sloppy cats how to keep the litter inside the box. It offers several workshop a year and free online classes.
To qualify for this award, cats must create one piece artwork using the medium of litter. There are no rules beyond that. Creativity wins this award.
Paws Across the Globe is based in the United States, but its services extend to cats around the world. Its focus is connecting cats in various countries and setting up a pen-pal programs. The cats would then exchange letters, toys, and food from their respective homelands. All packages must first go through an approval process at Paws Across the Globe’s home office. This additional step was added after an American cat tried to send her Irish pen pal loose gravy in a paper envelope.
To qualify for this award, cats must complete the application form and indicate the types of items they’d like to send to their friend. Any application that includes “gravy” as an answer will automatically be disqualified.
Many cats apply for the scholarship given by Foundation for the Advancement of Catnip Studies. There’s stiff competition, so it encourages early submission. The foundation is based in a greenhouse in Omaha, where feline botanists grow and test catnip year-round. The scholarship’s recipient not only wins the award, she also gets a behind-the-scenes tour of the greenhouse and will take home a gift bag of primo nip.
To qualify for this award, cats must write three haiku poems related to catnip, along with a description of their most embarrassing catnip moment.