I’m going to tell you a secret, so lean in. I love reality TV shows. I really do. In fact, I’m hopelessly addicted to them. If I catch more than five minutes of any show, I become emotionally attached to every teenage mom, jerk-face chef, and aspiring drag queen superstar I see.
Now, if cats were the stars of the reality shows, I’m certain my DVR would be overrun with kitty-drama goodness. And not an ounce of guilt would be felt. While we’re on the subject, what would popular reality shows look like if cats were in front of the camera? Let’s take a look!
Like in the human show, a bachelor male would find his perfect match by spending time with — or “dating” — a number of females. The group of feline contenders would share a fancy, multi-level cat condo, and each would vie for the attention of the scratchelor tom. They’d begin with group dates, perhaps dumpster-diving or birdwatching. As he narrowed down his list of possible one-and-onlys, he’d spend special moments with each of the contestants.
We’d see footage of intimate butt-sniffing and co-cleaning shots with a night vision camera. And, of course, we’d cheer for the sweet, country-girl, tabby barn cat and root against the snooty Siamese named Simone who trash-talks the other girls and poops in their litter boxes. After the rose-eating debacle of season one’s rose ceremony, the producers would realize the scratchelor would have to give something else to his favorite females. Thus, the peacock-feather ceremony is born.
This show would be a disaster from the beginning. First of all, the feline contestants would guffaw at Tim Gunn’s request to “make it work.” The words “cat” and “work” go together about as well as sequined pants and a puffy-painted cat sweatshirt. Or maybe that does go together these days — I’m not here to tout my fashion savvy, that’s for sure.
A cat’s lack of opposable thumbs would present a challenge when it came to threading a sewing machine. And have you ever tried to dress a cat? I’d bet the meowing models would probably do that frozen, crouchy stance cats do when we do manage to slip a cute kitty vest over their heads. And then they’d run away and hide under the craft services table … hence the name, Project Runaway. Yeah, it’d be a complete train wreck, but I’d totally watch it.
In the human version of the show, teams of two race around the globe to be the first to arrive at the finish line. During the race, they must overcome physical and mental obstacles. If they choose, cats can move really quickly — you know, like when they race around after visiting the litter box or when they hear the can opener. They can also take their sweet time and stall for no apparent reason, like when they can’t decide if they want to be in or out of a room so they stand right in the doorway so you can’t close the door.
Because of this inconsistent behavior, I believe a season that would normally take two months to shoot might take a good six months to a year. And just as we’re cheering the winning team as they approach a win, they’d drop and take a nap … mere feet from the finish line. Just to be contrary.
Storage Wars features auctions of complete storage lockers, whose owners have not paid the rental fee for three months, thereby defaulting on the rental agreement. After the auctioneer raises the door on the locker, the buyers have five minutes to peek inside before the auction begins.
Here’s the thing: This show would never get past the kitty buyers perusing the storage innards. After seeing the stacks of boxes, furniture, and endless hiding nooks, they’d disappear right into the locker. Roll the closing credits.
Say Yes to the Dress profiles brides-to-be on their search for the perfect wedding dress. If cats were featured on this type of show, we’d mostly see a montage of cats walking backwards, trying to wiggle out of sweaters adorned with festive candy canes and snowmen. This show would spawn a series of spinoffs, including audience favorites Say Ta-Ta to the Tutu and Say Screw You to the Hat.
What reality shows would you like to see with cats instead of humans? Tell us about them in the comments!
Read more silly posts by Angie Bailey: