Girl Scout cookie season is upon us and, if you’re anything like me, it’s the time you anticipate and curse in equal parts.
In February, I begin distancing myself from friends with daughters who are Scouts. I no longer work in a big office, so I avoid the parents who bring the order forms to work and carry them from cubicle to cubicle, pushing the brightly colored boxes of crack. I try my best to avert my eyes when I pass the table of cute little girls selling cookies in front of stores. Even with all of these safeguards in place, I manage to land my paws on a box or two.
Then I’m through.
You see, I do not, for one second, trust myself with an entire box of Girl Scout cookies. If I eat one, I’m eating the entire box. I “hide” the Thin Mints in the freezer, which is a colossal mistake because they taste way better when they’re frozen. And don’t even get me started on Tagalongs and Samoas.
What if cats had their own versions of popular Girl Scout cookie flavors? Hmm …
What does a cat love better than the taste of his own food? The taste of everyone else’s. The buttery shortbread goodness of the classic Trefoil is nothing compared to the glory of devouring one’s own food and then moving on to jack the other cats’ bowls.
Two of my three are major bowl-jackers and, on occasion, suddenly break out into a round of musical bowls. The taste of multiple food bowls must be some magically delicious flavor combination that tickles the kitty tastebuds. Tres Bowls would capture that flavor in cookie form. Uno bowl = good. Dos bowls = great. Tres bowls = fan-freaking-tastic.
As a human, I question that anything could possibly rival the glorious peanut butter pattiness of the Tagalong. These have been my favorite since I sold them as a wee Brownie Scout back in the mid-’70s; however, a cat would toss those patties right out the window in favor of the Lickalong.
This kitty cookie’s taste would encapsulate the buffet of flavors experienced while walking along a kitchen counter, licking dirty plates, greasy pans, and butter dishes along the way. They’re like the three-course-meal gum Violet chewed on her tour of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.
The Do-si-dos are my husband’s favorite Girl Scout cookie. It’s just a peanut butter sandwich cookie, and I never really saw what the big deal was — it’s just a round Nutter Butter. The Tagalong is a far superior specimen of peanut-buttery awesome. Cats don’t care for either, and instead stock their cupboards with the Door-si-doors, whose unique flavor would be purely experiential.
When a feline feasted on one of these treats, he’d immediately experience the profound elation of a closed door opening. And not just any closed door — the one that once separated him from his human. Can you imagine, after endless pounding, mewing, and sliding one’s paw under the door, how ecstatic kitty would feel when the lazy human — probably half-asleep or mid-toileting — finally opened the door? That’s the essence of Door-si-doors.
Most everyone loves a Thin Mint. A few minutes ago, I was on the Girl Scout cookie site and voted for my favorite cookie (Tagalongs!), and when I looked at the results thus far, Thin Mints were kicking butt and taking names. Although cats like mint, they have no interest in or business eating the chocolate, so they instead dive into a box of Wet Tanks, which simulates the refreshment of toilet tank condensation.
If given the choice between quenching his thirst from a fresh bowl of cool water or the tiny beads of toilet tank sweat, the cat will choose the latter every time. In fact, it’s nearly impossible for kitty to stop at just one cookie and, before he knows it, he’s just devoured an entire sleeve of Wet Tanks, the cookie formerly known as Skip to My Loo.
Ah, the coconut-and-caramel cookie combination lands a close second on my list of favorite Girl Scout cookies. Yesterday, a friend shared the recipe for homemade Samoas, and I don’t know whether to hug her or punch her. Those things are downright decadent! You know what cats find decadent? Whatever they find on the kitchen floor.
I’m (mostly) good about keeping my floor swept, but every once in a while I’ll catch one of the cats chomping on some random scrap or crumb he’d found in a corner. Who knows what’s in his mouth, but he’s on cloud nine. Each Somefloora cookie would surprise the cat with a flavor found on a kitchen floor. Cracker crumb, Cheerio, and dead bug would be favorites. Every cat wants Someflooras now and again.
What flavor cookie would your cat like? Don’t be shy — tell us about it in the comments!
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