Many people consider a new year a great time for a new start, an opportunity to begin those healthy routines or break those bad habits — once and for all this time!
Cats couldn’t care less about analyzing their habits or setting goals, but let’s just say, for entertainment’s sake, that they do desire to get their lives in order.
Here are five bad habits cats might resolve to break in the new year:
When a cat wants something from a fellow feline, she usually takes it — either by force or silent intimidation. And don’t underestimate silent intimidation. I’m pretty sure there are some Jedi mind tricks going on there.
A cat who desires a more generous life might embrace less selfish choices. Sure, they want that sweet Costco box, but they’ll patiently wait until the other cat exits the box before taking a turn. Good on you, kitty.
This is more of an annoyance to the human sitting on the toilet than a bad habit on the part of the cat. But seriously — who wants an audience while they’re dropping the kids off at the pool? Not even cats. Although with cats, it’s more like “dropping the kids off at the sandbox.” In this imaginary world where cats care about more than themselves, they may choose to cut down on the creepy potty-stares and simply nap in the sink instead.
Cats don’t only bully other cats — they like to tell us humans what’s what, too. This is especially true when it comes to food. They begin harassing us about an hour before their mealtime, and when we don’t budge, they sear us with laser stink-eyes.
A reformed kitty would resolve to start the hassling only when he hears the can lid pop — no sooner.
Not every cat is fond of snacking on other cats’ vomit; however, there are some who consider their tastes more “exotic” than most. These are the ones who snarf the barf whenever they get a chance. Their ears are like little antennae, ready to pick up the signal of the first pre-puke cough. Then they race to the scene, making sure they get first dibs on the hurl.
Really, this is only disgusting to the humans who witness the secondhand snacking. A cat who truly wants to improve his manners — for the sake of the humans he adores — would refrain from this kind of behavior. It’d be tough, and he might need earplugs, but he’d “heave” everything he had at it. Ha ha. Puke humor is the best — isn’t it?
Little known fact: Cats steal our keys, pick up their friends, and joyride for hours at a time while we’re sleeping. They know all the back roads and are never caught, but sometimes have to pull over and flip off the headlights when they see an oncoming cop or overnight delivery truck. Cats are nothing but a bunch of good-time Charlies, always looking out for their own interests and entertainment.
In a strange world where cats actually feel guilt, this joyriding would stop. They’d realize the error of their ways, toss out the gas and brake pedal-extenders, and do other things at night … like race back and forth across our beds and chew through bags of rolls.
What bad habit would your cat resolve to break in the new year? Tell us in the comments!
Read more by Angie Bailey:
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.