Editor’s note: This story, written by Stella the Cat, originally appeared in the May/June 2015 issue of Catster print magazine. Click here to subscribe to Catster magazine.
You humans think you have it all figured out, what with your phablets and your lunch hours, but to us cats you’re incomprehensible. Unsound. Strange. Just plain weird. For example, you don’t vomit on cashmere if given the chance, say, when a sweater is left on the floor. Who doesn’t vomit on cashmere? That’s strange behavior, kiddo. Here are 47 other reasons your cat thinks you’re weird.
1. You don’t nap in the laundry basket.
2. You don’t run to the closet when the doorbell rings.
3. You don’t get naked and stretch out in sun puddles.
4. You don’t doze on the bookshelf.
5. You don’t crash under the bed.
6. You don’t bite your friends’ ankles.
7. Or your enemies’ ankles.
8. Or any ankles whatsoever.
9. You don’t sit on top of the refrigerator.
10. You don’t climb into the bathtub and drink from the spout.
11. You don’t leave your groceries on pillows or inside of shoes.
12. You don’t eat moths that fly near you.
13. You don’t think the mail carrier is out to get you.
14. You don’t replace your furniture with cardboard-box furniture.
15. You don’t have a heart attack when company visits.
16. You don’t plot against the neighbor’s parakeet.
17. You don’t vomit on chenille.
18. You don’t vomit on silk.
19. You don’t vomit on anything good.
20. You don’t race around the house at midnight like a maniac.
21. You don’t hack up a hairball off to the side of wherever you happen to be sitting.
22. In fact, you don’t hack up hairballs hardly at all. Where’s the sport in that?
23. You don’t walk into a room, stop, and then turn around and go the other way, for no discernible reason whatsoever.
24. You don’t hang on your curtains.
25. You don’t get a mean thirst for water from the bathroom sink at exactly 4 every morning, no matter how many pet fountains you have.
26. You don’t slide toiletries off the sink one by one.
27. Or office supplies off the desk.
28. Or spices off the counter.
29. (Sliding spices off the counter is just incredible, by the way.)
30. You don’t jump from the kitchen counter to the couch.
31. Except for that one time on New Year’s Eve. Where’s that fun person again?
32. You don’t raise your own chickens.
33. You don’t pluck your own chickens.
34. You don’t traffic in chickens hardly at all, in fact.
35. Man, chicken sounds so good right now.
36. You don’t sit on your computer keyboard.
37. You don’t sleep clear through a Tuesday.
38. You don’t stalk your neighbor’s Chihuahua.
39. You don’t claw the couch every time you pass by it.
40. You don’t fill the bathtub with carp.
41. You don’t stare at a wall for a whole afternoon.
42. You don’t stare at walls at all, in fact.
43. What kind of weirdo doesn’t stare at walls?
44. You turn faucets off.
45. You don’t stand, sit, or squat in any package you receive in the mail.
46. You don’t constantly lick your hand and rub your hair.
47. Oh wait, yes you do! Maybe you’re not so weird after all.
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About the author: Catster contributing editor Michael Leaverton has written a wide variety of articles in the last 10 years, very few of which after consulting with his cat. That ends here. Stella is a 10-year-old Bengal with a firm editorial grip on her handler, whom she rescued from an alt weekly in San Francisco many meals ago. She likes it when he writes about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.