Last week, researchers released a crazy study that claims your cat, seeing how he has a heck of a lot in common with things like lions, wants to hunt you down and kill you.

“Domestic house cats and have similar personality structures to African lions with high inclinations toward dominance, impulsiveness, and neuroticism, the researchers found,” wrote USA Today.

This meant, at least to headline writers all over the place, that your cat wants to kill you.

It’s an intriguing idea, but totally ridiculous. I mean, cats give us the “I love you” blinks. In any case, I sought to clear this up by asking my cat, Stella, if she wanted to kill me.

"I have nothing to say about the mailman." (Photo of Stella by Gina Cioli/i-5 Studio.)

Most definitely NOT about to kill me. Photo of Stella by Gina Cioli/i-5 Studio

Me: Hi, Stella. Are you awake? Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but do you want to … um …

Stella: Do I want to what?

Kill me?

Absolutely.

WHAT!?

What’s wrong!?

You want to kill me!

Doesn’t everyone?

No!

Well, I certainly do. So do all the cats in the neighborhood. We want to kill all of you people, actually. Every last person. It’s what we do … well, it’s what we’d like to do. Kill you.

I had no idea.

Why do you think I stare at you all the time and slowly blink?

I thought you were giving me … you know.

What?

Nothing.

Come on, say it.

“I love you” blinks.

Hah! I love that. Who comes up with this stuff?

You certainly seem to look at me lovingly. 

Of course. I’m imagining ways of dispatching you. And after one of my schemes has come to fruition in my mind — say I’ve tipped a bookshelf on you, or I’ve simply gone for the jugular in a moment of blind rage — I blink and reset the script, as it were. I get to think up a new way of killing you. It’s great fun.

It’s horrible!

It’s nothing personal. I still really like you. I just want to, you know, kill you. I mean I really want to kill you.

Okay, I get it.

I mean I reeeeeally want to —

Okay!

The predator drive is a helluva thing, pal.

But you’d never try anything, right?

I’m only 11 pounds.

Even if you could?

Wait, what are you implying?

Huh?

Are you offering yourself up to me, perchance?

Stella!

Because if you’re not going to fight back —

I WILL FIGHT BACK.

Okay, fine. Forget I ever mentioned it.

The whole conversation has me completely rattled.

Forget about it. I promise I won’t do anything.

I can’t believe you even think about it.

It’s just instinct. Don’t take it personally. Do you want a love blink?

… Yes.

[slowly blinks]

That was nice.

It really was. You slipped on my vomit and hit your head on the fireplace.

stella-cleans-paws-Cioli-i5-Studio

One day I’ll get to use these things.

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