Thanks to our old pal Mittens the texting cat, we already know cats have the smarts and ambition to go to town on a smartphone. They are far more techie than we give them credit for and, unbeknownst to us, create apps to help them become even bigger elitist know-it-alls.
Here are six apps these pompous pussycats would create to make life more enjoyable for themselves. Behind our backs, of course.
You know those metal detectors people take to the beach in the hopes of unearthing pirate treasure and other assorted, possibly semi-valuable metal? I think cats would use that concept and develop an app that could zoom in on the location of treats in the house, even well-hidden ones. The app’s electronic meows would grow louder — and the cat’s excitement would grow more frenzied — the closer the cat moved toward the location of the goodies. Of course kitty could turn the phone on vibration mode if he wanted to use it while the annoying humans are home.
Cats are known pillow thieves. They love snagging our comfort and we, of course, usually oblige them, even if it means we wake up with a Mr. Roboto-style stiff neck. Sometimes we’re not around and the bedroom door is closed, leaving kitty jonesing for a pillow fix. It doesn’t matter that your head’s not on it, it’s the principle. Using the magical app, they could take a photo of your pillow and a photo of your head. The app would then merge the two and create a perfect image of the head on the pillow. Then the cat would get his jollies by plopping squarely on top of it.
Cats love fresh litter — the fresher the better. They’d certainly design an app that, when waved over the litter box, would tell him the exact level of freshness. The scoring system would be based on the patented Turd-o-Meter. Ten turds would indicate complete freshness and one turd would indicate it’s time for kitty to squat-n-poop outside the box.
Cats have a sixth sense that tells them when we’re close to home, but they want more. They want to be able to track our every move. The Stalker Cat app, when accompanied with the tiny tracking device kitty wound insert under our skin when he’s “making claws-out biscuits” on us, would allow him to obsess over us even when we’re not home. Score!
In general, felines are not fans of vet visits and often amscray as soon as the carrier makes the scene. I think they’d be totally down with even more of an advance notice of these unfortunate outings. The Vet Alert app would sync up with the human’s phone and automatically notify the cat when the vet’s number is dialed and record the conversation that followed. Kitty would then be able lie low until the appointment has to be canceled because “kitty’s gone missing.”
Wouldn’t a cat be absolutely thrilled if he could counter cruise, dig through wastebaskets and engage in a host of naughty activities with the comfort of knowing he wouldn’t be caught? Kitty would set Catch Me If You Can app’s alarm and a notification would alert him when a human is within two-hundred feet of his location. The alarm would be set to a pitch only audible to feline ears, of course.
What apps would your cat create? Tell us in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
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