Editor’s note: This story originally appeared in the May/June 2016 issue of Catster print magazine. Click here to subscribe to Catster magazine.
Many cats never have the chance to become mothers. Do they get sad about it? Do they feel relieved? Does it make holidays and birthdays that much easier?
I asked my cat, Stella, if she regrets not having kittens.
Me: Stella, are you sad you never had kittens?
Stella: Wait — am I pregnant?
Of course not; you’re sterile.
OH, THANK HEAVEN!
I take it you never wanted to be a mother?
I’m just so busy.
With all the grooming and the eating and the looking out the window. And these naps don’t take themselves.
Well, they actually sort of do.
Hey, my naps are hard work. Remember when I slept for a Tuesday? I’d like to see you nap like that.
Sorry, I have a life. And two kids.
MY POINT EXACTLY.
So you don’t miss being a mother because you think kittens would interfere with your naps?
That’s a poor reason.
I’m at peace with it.
I’m glad I got you spayed.
I’m much more rested this way.
Well, is there anything you like about kittens in general? Everybody likes kittens.
You mean all that meowing and playing and rolling around?
Yeah. It’s cute, huh?
How do you get anything done?
What do you have to do?
I have to nap!
DON’T DIMINISH MY NAPPING!
Stella, I can’t believe I have to point this out to you, but kittens nap, too.
I’ve seen a kitten nap. It’s pathetic. They wake up all the time. They barely get past the REM cycle.
You could teach a kitten how to nap.
Teach a cat how to nap? That’s absurd.
Someone has to tell them how to sleep through a Tuesday.
I suppose so, but it would take a lot of napping, starting with a lot of napping. It sounds exhausting, frankly.
There must be something you like about kittens. You like how cute they are, right?
Ha! Cuteness won’t help you take down a bunny who sneaked into the garage.
I forgot you’re a predator.
The back of your couch doesn’t.
Is there anything at all you like about kittens?
I like how when you have kittens, somebody comes along and takes them so the mom can nap.
It’s called adoption, Stella. They’re going to good homes.