Editor’s note: This story originally appeared in the July/August 2016 issue of Catster print magazine. Click here to subscribe to Catster magazine.
Aside from having greater luck in finding sun puddles to sleep in, I don’t think my cat, Stella, is very much aware that the most glorious season is in full swing. So, I asked her how she’s liking summer.
Me: It’s summer, Stella! Are you excited?
Stella: Summer? That sounds bad. What is it?
It’s a time when children are out of school, for one.
Is that why they’re playing in the street?
And rolling by on the scooters?
And waking me up from my naps with their shrill cries?
I guess so.
And piercing shrieks?
SUMMER NEEDS TO BE STOPPED!
WE NEED TO STOP SUMMER!
Just so kids won’t disturb your sleep? That’s not very nice of you.
I’m nice! I just don’t want the children to get bored having fun all day in front of my house. Why can’t they just go to jail year-round?
Jail? They go to school, not jail.
Then let’s put ’em in jail for the summer! That would keep them off the streets. The streets aren’t safe, you know.
Our streets are safe, Stella.
As an indoor cat, I think the best place for children in the summer is jail. That’s my professional opinion, as a pet.
Summer is supposed to be a carefree time of fun and frivolity. Maybe you could befriend some of the neighborhood children and enjoy yourself.
Children don’t know the first thing about being friends with a cat. Have you seen how a child pets a cat? It’s like they’re trying to sand the fur off us.
How about I give them a laser pointe —
DO NOT give those little nightmares a laser pointer.
How about a feather toy?
And get slapped in the face with a feather 50 times?
They could toss you a crinkly ball.
You know I don’t like people touching my crinkly ball.
Well, what do you suggest?
I think we need to revisit jail.
How about we have the kids next door read to you? It would help with their reading, and you wouldn’t have to interact with them.
I would need a 10-foot buffer, minimum.
We could manage that.
And grilled chicken.
You’ll get a piece or two.
And catnip to keep me from hissing at them.
And if I fall asleep during the reading — in fact, I’ll actively be trying to do that — nobody wakes me up. You got that?
They’re to file out of the house silently and not return for a week.
Wow, this should be fun.
There’s always jail!
Enjoy the rest of your summer, Stella.
About the author: Catster.com contributor Michael Leaverton has written a wide variety of articles in the past 11 years, very few of which after consulting with his cat. That ends here. Stella is an 11-year-old Bengal with a firm editorial grip on her handler, whom she rescued from an alt-weekly in San Francisco many meals ago. She likes it when he writes about chicken. They currently live in San Diego.