When you catch your adorable, warm, cuddly kitty vomiting on your shoes or eating the drawstring on your favorite pants, do you ever wonder if looks can really be that deceiving? Sure, she has a face that could get away with murder and her purr turns your insides to butter, but aren’t the worst criminals always the most handsome and charismatic? What if she’s been hiding behind her looks all these years, using those adorable little whiskers and omg, those big green eyes to conceal her misanthropy?
Have you ever worried that your cat might, in fact, be a jerk? Here’s a five-question quiz that will help you determine your cat’s true nature. Share your results in the comments! And remember: You’re not alone.
When your cat is sitting on the kitchen table (because you’ve given up trying to keep her off of it), does she suddenly decide that certain items belong on the floor, like full glasses of water? Even worse: These feline shenanigans are totally lacking in fanfare. My cat, Phoenix, will nudge my pen and notebook off the end table, and then she’ll go back to washing her face like nothing has changed.
As Teddy the A–hole Cat proves in this video, kitties don’t need a reason to be jerks. We all know Teddy don’t take no vitamins!
Sure, all feline siblings fight, but just like that time when you punched your brother in the face so hard that he fell down and started bleeding, there’s a time when it stops being funny. These two cats show what happens when a friendly game of “it fitz, I sitz” goes horribly awry because one of the parties involved happens to be a jerk.
I call my boyfriend’s alarm clock “the pterodactyl.” I don’t know what this prehistoric lizard-bird actually sounded like, but I imagine it was something akin to the fire engine that blares from Matt’s phone and rattles his entire nightstand every morning at 6 a.m.
So it says a lot about Phoenix, then, that she does the pterodactyl one better. It’s like she can sense when the alarm is set to go off, because she starts meowing — scratch that, SCREAMING AND HOWLING — at the bedroom door every morning around 5:30. Like, is that even a time? I mean, the sun’s not even up yet. My cat is a jerk — and so is Simon’s Cat, as evidenced by this adorable animated sketch.
I must admit, I was a little alarmed to discover that my cat is apparently some kind of renowned lighter thief. I wondered where they were going; seemingly, as soon as I acquired them, they would disappear. But the mystery was solved when I moved. I lifted up the couch and discovered a treasure trove: probably six lighters, all stolen and expertly hidden by my cat, Phoenix.
She’s not unlike the cat in this video, whose wide-eyed look of alarm when he’s caught red-handed getting into some tulle totally excuses the fact that he’s a total jerk sometimes.
Your cat is probably a jerk if he shows no remorse for shoving his sibling down the stairs, knocking over a toddler, or physically pushing the dog back out the dog door, like the cats in this video.
So how’d you do? If you answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, your cat is a jerk — and we’re sorry, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Thanks for playing!
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About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.