Another Friday has rolled around, and that means — you guessed it — another installment of Fanglish cat slang. Some of you newbies might not understand how cool it is that we get a look inside our cats’ underground language, but I’m here to tell you that it’s kind of a big deal. Since the days of ancient Egypt, cats have communicated with this top-secret lingo, and they’ve done their very best to make sure humans are none the wiser. Only recently did I stumble across the opportunity to learn some of these terms our cats use when humans aren’t around. Of course, I jumped at the chance to learn everything I could about this mysterious cat slang.
My feline informant brings me a new list each week, and then I share it with you. This information comes at a price, though — a bag of chicken treats is enough to keep my informant bringing me the good stuff. He’s easy. I just promised we’d never blow his cover. He’d certainly face excommunication from the global cat community. That’s right — Fanglish is spoken all over the world. It’s that big, people. So let’s keep this to ourselves and let cats think they still have one up on us.
Now, on we go to this week’s collection of Fanglish cat slang, which focuses on a cat’s relationship with humans’ clothing and accessories. You know as well as I do that kitties are obsessed with our garments. Needless to say, there’s no shortage of terms in this category.
Ready, set, Fanglish!
Exhausted after playing with shoestrings.
“Maximillion lay under the coffee table, completely strung out after a wild afternoon with The Lady’s running shoes.”
Lying or sitting on top of a dirty clothes hamper’s contents, preventing a human from starting a load of laundry.
“Pumpkin Head ate a bowl of sliced beef, bathed for a half-hour, and then proceeded to hamper productivity.”
A cat’s delicate sensitivity to the scents of other animals on their humans’ clothing articles.
“The Man’s jacket, after a visit to the horse barn, offended Marshmallow’s scents and sensibility.”
Resting in a relaxed state on top of a human’s jacket or coat.
“The Lady placed her windbreaker on the kitchen table and within seconds, Ballyhoo was full-settle-jacket.”
An undergarment that’s been stolen by a cat.
“The Lady looked inside Licorice’s cat condo and saw quite the collection of plunderwear.”
Any part of a cat’s body that enters a shoe.
“After hours of yard work, The Man’s sandals emitted sweaty warmth and putrid smell, so Jellybean’s face became a logical shoe insert.”
A cat who’s sleeping on a bathrobe and can be removed only by sheer “force.”
“The Lady was ready to take a shower, but Smokey had become a Robi-Wan Kenobi, hissing at her when she tried to slide her robe from underneath his stocky body.”
A layer of cat hair that naturally occurs on an article of clothing after a cat has spent time resting on top of it.
“When The Lady hit the town in her new sweater, her girlfriends immediately noticed her layered hair.”
The swinging motion of a dangling earring, signaling a cat to swat it.
“The Lady’s sister held Popcorn, who was distracted by the bat signal coming from her chandelier earrings.”
A cat who claims napping space in a human’s sock drawer.
“Lollipop noticed The Man’s sock drawer was wide open but was disappointed when he saw Butterscotch had already become crew chief.”
The much-anticipated moment when a human appears with a basket of warm laundry, fresh from the dryer.
“Honey and Biscuit stopped batting the catnip mouse when The Man appeared and they realized it was clothes-ing time.”
A stolen hair-band in a runaway cat’s mouth.
“The Lady wanted to wear her hair in a ponytail, but then saw Loki and the band on the run.