Today is Constitution Day. The lofty occasion got me thinking about what rights every cat should be able to call upon, beyond the obvious right to unlimited gravy. After a long consultation with my cat, Mimosa, here’s a template for an inaugural Cat Constitution.


1. Every cat shall be afforded the right to seek safe sanctuary under a blanket.

2. Every cat has the right to bear claws.

3. Every modern cat has the right to a warm Internet carrier.

4. Every cat shall have access to literature, periodicals, and other assorted paper products, whether for reading, snoozing, or shredding.

5. Every cat shall also have the right to one (1) paper bag each calendar month.

6. Every cat shall be granted the inalienable right to a full range of footwear for all occasions.

7. No cat shall ever be forced to endure the wearing of a ridiculous costume in the name of seasonal celebrations.

This right will be upheld in the highest courts of the land.

8. Every cat shall have access to the Wu-Tang Clan.

9. Every cat has the right to a fanciful name.

10. Every cat deserves a forever home.

This last one is non-negotiable.

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About Phillip Mlynar: The self-appointed world’s foremost expert on rappers’ cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it’s not quite what you think it is.