Last weekend I was a vendor at a local cat show. I sold my books and calendars while watching parades of cats enter competition rings, ready to be scored by the judges from the Cat Fanciers’ Association. Most of the cats at the show were purebred show cats, who were used to being “on,” but there were also a group of kitties in the Household Pets category. Although the fancy cats are gorgeous, I always enjoy the household ones even more because they’re just the “average Joes” out there, ready to just have a good time.

My cats are average Joes; however, they’d be terrible show cats. Granted, they didn’t grow up in that culture, but they’d definitely rather be at home, lounging in a too-small boxes, knocking over glasses of water and throwing back treats. Although they’d place last in the traditional cat show categories, they’d totally sweep other ones … if they were real. Here are five of them.

1. Ignoring

My cats are blue-ribbon ignorers. I know they hear me when I speak to them because their ears tell me so. I think they get off on that: showing me they are aware of my presence, yet are choosing to ignore me. Yep, giant blue ribbons all around!

2. Freeze-Framing

I love watching Cosmo and Phoebe play-fight. You know how cats do that thing where they freeze in mid-swat? And then they stay like that for an extended amount of time? I think it’s hysterical, and my cats could easily do that in a competition, except they couldn’t know it was competition because they wouldn’t do anything we wanted them to do, right?

3. Door Pounding

Cosmo’s an expert door pounder, and he uses several techniques, ranging from the gentle “Can I please come in?” to the frantic “Let me in or I will die, and it’ll all be your fault!” He’d easily place first in both sections.

4. Boxing

No, I’m not referring to the traditional game of boxing, although the Freeze-Frame category eventually leads into that. This is all about real boxes. The Boxing category would score cats on how quickly they could occupy a box once it’s placed on the floor. If there were such a thing as “purebred boxers,” my cats would be part of that group. And then they’d have some sort of fancy name like the real show cats do: “Lord Boxington of Costcoshire.”

5. Sleep Freeze-Framing

Like the regular Freeze-Frame category, this one would time a cat’s ability to stay put in a single position for a lengthy amount of time, except in this one, they’d have to be sleeping. I’ve witnessed my Saffy crashed, sawing logs, in the same position for hours — and sometimes the positions don’t look all that comfortable. Cats would receive extra points for the difficulty of position.

In what categories would your cat win a blue ribbon? Tell us in the comments!

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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.