I love fancy names, and usually laugh when someone’s called something like Winston Wellington or sports a name preceded by Sir, Lord, or Duchess. I’m especially amused when cats go by fancy nicknames. You see, kitties like to think of themselves as posh, dignified beings, so the fanciness fits; however, they often act in ways that are quite opposite, and that’s what’s hysterical. Kitty thinks he’s all cool, but then falls off the arm of the sofa or walks away from his dish with food globs stick to his muzzle (my Cosmo may or may not have pulled that one). It’s paradoxical hilarity, I tell you!
I sometimes give my cats fancy handles because it’s entertaining, and I’m always up for a good time. I try to make the names match their personalities or physical characteristics, but it’s not always necessary for quality entertainment. And the names always have to make me laugh when I look at my cats’ faces and call them by the majestic monikers. Laughter is a must — but isn’t it nearly always? Here are some real and potentially classy, silly nicknames for my cats.
Saffy is a luxurious lady with a grand gray tail any cat would envy, and I’m sure many do. She’s also a totally unapologetic chowhound who’s constantly on the lookout for extra food, even if it means snagging it from Cosmo, Phoebe, or from an unattended plate on the kitchen counter. She’s a regal gal who thinks she belongs on the set of Downton Abbey, but is really better suited to the line at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet at Shoney’s (coupon in hand, of course). Here are some fancy nicknames for Saffy:
Lady Gertrude of Gastronomy
Duchess Penelope Paunch
Mary Elizabeth Kibbleton
Hortencia Q. Liversausage
Maxine “Popcorn Shrimp” Platterton of Redlobstershire
Phoebe’s a cute little calico-tabby tomboy, and we usually give her nicknames like “Tater Tot” and “Weasel,” but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t adequately rock a classier name. I mean, Pheebs looks absolutely elegant when lounging atop the heat register … I mean, anyone would. Additionally, she can shoot a look that’s just as snooty as a well-to-do lady could cast, and barks cranky orders like a wee, bossy queen. Despite all of that, I think she’d be far more comfortable in a pair of overalls, hanging from a Scout Finch-style tire swing. Fancy little loudmouth tomboy, she is. Here’s what I’m thinking for Miss Phoebe:
Countess Crankypants of Caliconia
Princess Gabrielle Gabbington
Miss Melanie McTatertot
Prudence L. Pickenpaw
Clarissa Chit Chatterly
Beatrice of Basketshire
Oh, Cosmo. He’s my original fancy fella. I’ve always given him high-class nicknames — partially because he wears a tux every day, but mostly because of the silly arrogance he flaunts about, but can never really pull off. His most common name is Sir Cosmo Montgomery. Some of my friends currently call him Mr. Montgomery or Sir. I love that fancy-pants weirdo. Here are some nicknames for my main man, who’s nearly always either curled up on top of me, purring and drooling, or walking around the house, howling my name … thinking about purring and drooling.
Professor Roger K. Whitemittens
Lord Chauncey Whiskerton
Doctor “Tux” McGillicuddy
Reginald T. Fancybottom
Roderick Samuel Droolington
Thurston Howl (ha ha)
What fancy nicknames do you (or would you) give your cats? Tell us about it in the comments!
Read more by Angie Bailey:
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.