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5 Titles of Overly Dramatic Cat Autobiographies

Cats are histrionic creatures and would certainly write life stories worthy of Lifetime films.

 |  Nov 7th 2013  |   9 Contributions


I love reading biographies and autobiographies. I always feel like I have a greater appreciation for a person's behavior and life view after I've had a little behind-the-scenes peek into their lives. This is even true for biopics on TV. I remember once watching a VH1 Behind the Music episode about the rock group Poison. I never listened to their music, but found myself totally engaged with their story, and even felt like I understood the early struggles of Bret Michaels and the boys. What the ... ? And then "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" was stuck in my head for days. Thanks, VH1.

Cats are histrionic creatures and would certainly write the most overly-dramatic autobiographies. You know, the stuff of Lifetime movies. Here are five titles of autobiographies a cat would write.

1. What Lies Beyond the Door

 

What lies? WHAT LIES?? Photo: Gail Fredericks

Oreo spent his life plagued by two questions: What lies beyond the door ... and what lies behind the door. He was banned from certain rooms in the house and strictly forbidden to venture outdoors. He was told, "No, Oreo -- there's nothing for you behind those doors." But was there? Were those scolding words truly in his best interests, or were they keeping him away from a wealth of secret treats and treasures humans were hoarding for themselves? Would he ever learn what truly lies behind the door?

2. Empty Bowls, Empty Promises

 

I have everything and nothing to say. Photo: Michael Lehet

"It's still an hour until dinner." "I'll feed you when I wake up. It's only 5 a.m." Scout grew weary of those words. The seconds felt like hours and the minutes stretched on for what felt like days. The humans were surely conspiring, and he thought for certain they were trying to starve him. No matter that he just cleaned his plate mere minutes before, they had no idea the plight of his people. But soon they'd know. Soon they'd pay ... and in spades.

3. Life is Rough and So is My Tongue

You have no idea. Let me tell you. Photo: J. Triepke

In this enlightening tale of acceptance, Maxine woke up one morning and decided she was tired of whining about humans who don't share their turkey sandwiches and the never-ending struggle to catch the red dot. Life was rough, and she decided accepting her burdensome circumstances was easier than fretting over what would never come to pass. And then Fangley entered her life, and everything changed.

4. Confessions of a Counter Cruiser

A tell-all you'll not soon forget. Photo: DrButtsMD

The greasy pans. The cracker crumbs. The drippy faucets. Monty's stolen moments on the kitchen counter were nothing short of nirvana. And the rush of nearly getting caught only heightened the thrill. Monty was addicted to the danger, but the gravy train couldn't last forever.

5. An Insider's Job: Nose Prints on the Window

And it never came to pass. Photo: Richard Cocks

Butterscotch silently wept as she gazed out the window, mentally pouncing on squirrels and yard birds. She'd tried to escape to the glory of the garden several times, but was stopped short by screen doors that slammed far too quickly. She knew if she wanted to experience the elusive bounty that she saw on the other side of the window, she'd have to devise a plan. She had a few tricks up her sleeve ... and the dog owed her a couple of favors. But this kind of danger comes at a price.

Photo of cat and books by bibliothekarin

What would your cat's autobiography title be? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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