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I Ask My Cat Stella if She Fears Being Kidnapped Like Keanu

Key and Peele released a new all-cat version of the trailer for the kidnapped-cat film "Keanu." My cat has something to say about that.

Michael Leaverton  |  Apr 26th 2016


A while back, we wrote about the very funny trailer for the comedy film Keanu, which is about a kitten who is kidnapped. Over the weekend, the film’s creators Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key released a new extra-cat version of the trailer, with all cast members being played by cats and all the swearing turned into meows. It’s even funnier stuff. Have a look:

With kidnapped cats firmly back on everybody’s mind, I thought it was time to ask a real cat what she thinks about kidnapped cats — my cat, Stella.

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Stella, can you wake up a sec? I was wondering: Are you ever worried about being kidnapped? 

Of course not. I know that you’d save me right away.

Aw, that’s sweet. 

This house must be worth a pretty penny, after all. How quick can you make it liquid?

Liquid?

Turn it into cash.

For what?

I’d figure they’d want at least $300,000 for me, maybe $350K if I act really cute playing with a feath — wait, are you saying you wouldn’t pay the ransom?

I was thinking I’d burst in and rescue you, like in the movie. 

You’d burst in?

Yeah.  

Do me a favor and hold out your arm and make a muscle.

Okay.

Now make a muscle.

Okay.

Now make a muscle.

Okay. 

You are making a muscle, aren’t you?

Yes. 

You should just pay the ransom.

Stella, I’d use my wits to save you! I’m a quick thinker. 

I once saw you try to squeeze ketchup out of bottle for five minutes before you noticed the little protective tab.

I forgot I bought a new bottle. 

Maybe we should just sell the house now so we have the money ready to go.

How about I get some friends together? We’ll create a plan like the X-Men and grab you!

Are these the same friends who came over to watch the game last weekend?

Maybe. 

And between the four of you couldn’t get together $13 for a pizza?

It was the tip we couldn’t get together. 

I should just die now.

Stella, I hate to break this to you, but nobody is going to kidnap you.

Why not? I’m adorable!

Cats don’t get kidnapped all that often. 

What do you mean? What about this documentary?

It’s not a documentary, it’s a comedy. 

Comedy? Wait — is there something funny about a cat getting kidnapped?

I hate to break it to you, but yes. 

If I ever got kidnapped they’d have to make a horror film about it.

I get that feeling. 

This gives me an idea. You know that tabby who lives across the street? You should grab her and toss her in the quest bedroom.

You want to kidnap the neighbor’s cat.

I’m thinking we ransom her for a case of tuna — chuck white albacore. You want their couch or something?

Go back to sleep, Stella. 

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