I Wrote Resumes for My Cats -- Will It Help Them Get Hired?
After working for a year and a half in the IRL version of the movie Office Space, I'm back on the job hunt. Step one: Updating my resume. While I'm at it, I'm helping my cats with their resume writing as well. What do you think -- will these documents help them get hired? Would you hire Bubba Lee Kinsey or Phoenix?
BUBBA L. KINSEY
101 Sun Puddle Lane
Kansas City, MO 64111
CEO at Sun Puddle, May 2013-Present
- Ensuring sun puddle retains greatest amount of quality, warmth, and effectiveness by implementing and managing round-the-clock testing.
- Waking from naps at regular intervals to follow anticipated trajectory of sun puddle, thereby ensuring maximum warmth and comfort.
- Working to reduce rainy and/or cloudy days by up to 20 percent.
Personal Assistant to Sad Human, September 2007-January 2012
- Providing top-notch customer service to human while human is hungover, including purring when not feeling it, providing therapeutic headbutts and other forms of affection (multitasking), and alerting human to loud noises or other sudden changes in environment by puffing up tail and darting from room to room.
- Encouraging human to adopt more zen form of existence by removing distractions, such as knocking human's cell phone and/or TV remote into glass of water.
- Calmly watching Judge Judy, Family Guy, Law & Order, and South Park for hours on end while human alternately laughs and cries.
- Determining when human would benefit from staying home and kickstarting that process by vomiting in human's favorite shoes.
Human Resources Representative, June 2005-August 2007
- Using mere presence in room to strike terror into hearts of all who enter domicile.
- Tracking fear-based perspiration levels and lost productivity using extra-sensitive tongue and flavor-detection methods, not hesitating to use fangs when necessary (almost always).
- Receiving recognition for not only smelling, seeing, tasting, hearing, and feeling fear, but using ESP to anticipate fear up to a day in advance.
- Managing employment of insects on patio, hiring new employees to fill quota and firing as necessary by murdering with strong jaws and sharp fangs, thereby containing costs and helping human maintain bottom line.
Executive Assistant to Gozer the Destructor, April 2002-May 2005
- Using critical thinking skills to determine appropriate times to attack unsuspecting humans' legs, arms, and hands, particularly first-time visitors to the domicile.
- Multitasking by perfecting ability to eat while plotting next move, including but not limited to destroying property (especially waterbeds), wounding humans, and grooming unmentionables mere inches from humans' primary sensory organs.
- Tracking humans' general stress and exhaustion levels and keeping Gozer appraised of progress.
- Playing vital role in helping Gozer meet and exceed quarterly goals for destruction.
SPECIAL SKILLS AND AWARDS
- Proficient in Microsoft Office Suite, Adobe Creative Suite, and online web editing software.
- Recognized by Gozer the Gozerian as Destructor of the Month, Jan. 2003
102 Under the Bed Terrace
Kansas City, MO 64111
Food Critic, April 2011-Present
- Developing and testing specialized, nuanced vocalizations to express displeasure with various dishes and the frequency with which they are served.
- Using targeted, repetitive, high-pitched communications to reach a specific audience and achieve desired results.
- Communicating with multiple departments, including food preparation, cleanup, and CEO of Sun Puddle, using teamwork to exceed quarterly expectations.
- Successfully enhancing quality of food by insisting upon Royal Canin brand.
- Meeting daily 5 a.m. deadlines for screaming at human in the style of angry Marge Simpson.
Trash Collector, June 2010-March 2011
- Removing trash from giant bin in kitchen and placing it where it belongs: under the bed.
- Exceeding quarterly goals for trash removal and relocation.
- Able to utilize seemingly useless and/or disgusting items, such as chicken bones, wadded-up bits of tissue, and plastic bags to enhance the goals of the organization and contribute to the bottom line.
- Tracking whereabouts of humans to determine best times to lick and/or drool on plastic bags without interruption.
SPECIAL SKILLS AND AWARDS
- Imitating the cry of a human baby with heightened degrees of intensity and urgency, thereby ensuring a prompt, timely response from human servants.
- Manipulating humans and procuring extra treats using loud, rich purr and wide, curious eyes.
- Pure white belly floof widely regarded as the floofiest; this is also excellent for manipulating human servants.
Laugh with us:
- 5 Ways I Irritate My Cats -- and I Can't Help Myself
- 5 Ways My Cats Have Taught Me to Stay Warm
- Texts from Mittens the Cat: Holiday Misfortunes Edition
More by Angela Lutz:
- Valor the Blind Kitten Lives Up to His Name
- I'm Having a Quarter-Life Crisis; No One Understands But My Cat
- Four Ways I'll Judge You Based on How You Treat My Cats
- 5 Awesome Facts About Your Cat's Tongue
About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she's an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.