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5 Ways We’ve Falsely Accused Our Cats of Household Crimes

We sometimes unfairly blame them for counter cruising, seat jacking, and, um, passing gas.

Angie Bailey  |  May 4th 2015


Cats are naturally curious and prone to repeating certain behaviors. After I typed that first line, I realized I was kind of describing myself! I love my routine and have a strong sense of curiosity; however, I can’t remember the last time I crawled across the kitchen counter, nosing around for scraps on plates. Ha.

Because our family has come to expect particular actions from our three cats, we sometimes jump to conclusions when we discover an annoying or naughty occurrence. Most of the time our jump is right on target, but other times, we completely miss the mark and wind up blaming cats for something they did not do. Still, I’m sure they were probably thinking about it.

Here are five ways we’ve falsely accused our cats.

1. Counter cruising

 

“I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.”

Oh, Saffy — you think you’re so sneaky, but we hear your countertop shenanigans from just about every room in the house. One night my husband and I had just settled down for sleep and heard what sounded like a plastic cup tipping over on the kitchen counter. John got out of bed (in his underwear) and started calling Saffy’s name as he marched into the kitchen. He flipped on the light to find, not a cat, but my mother standing in the dark, fumbling around for something on the counter. She didn’t want to disturb anyone by turning on the light, so she wound up knocking over a cup in her blind search. And there’s my husband, standing in the middle of the kitchen in his underwear, staring at my mother. Awkward.

Sorry, Saffy.

2. Door pounding

“Do I look anywhere near the bathroom door?”

Cosmo and Phoebe are my door pounders. When I’m in the shower and hear desperate pawing at the door, I automatically assume it’s one of them. It’s not naughty behavior — just annoying if I can’t hop out at that moment and invite them inside the bathroom. I’ve been known to say (through shampoo-covered face and hair), “Phoebe, Cosmo — stop it! I’ll be there in a minute!” Really, it’s annoying — I’m not gonna lie. One time I rinsed off, stepped out of the shower and opened the door, only to find Saffy on the other side. Not who I was expecting, and I kind of felt badly for having annoyed thoughts about the other two when Saff was the thunder-pawed one. Oh well, I’m sure I owe Saffy some annoyed thoughts from un-busted counter cruising.

Sorry, Phoebe and Cosmo.

3. Seat stealing

“Look at me … not stealing your seat.”

Cosmo is the biggest seat jacker I know. Most times, when I leave the sofa for a few minutes, I’ll return to find him curled up in my favorite spot. You know, the one I’d recently occupied … like just two minutes prior to my return. He always looks like he’s been there all day — like I’m the crazy one. I was just sitting there, right? Maybe I wasn’t. That cat messes with my head.

Anyway, I’ll occasionally leave my spot and note Cosmo sleeping soundly on the sofa’s arm. I’m so used to expecting to see him in my seat when I return, that I instantly prepare to move him back to his original perch. I normally wouldn’t care, but I have back issues, so my special sitting area is especially important to me. Occasionally, I’ll make my way back to the sofa and see him, unmoved, on the sofa’s arm. Then I feel a little guilty for expecting the seat jacking had occurred. Its really no big deal — just mind games.

Sorry, Cosmo.

4. Paw dipping

 

“This is the face of innocence.”

Phoebe has a thing about dipping her paw into water glasses. We’ve learned to use cups with lids and water bottles most of the time, but sometimes there are unprotected cups here and there. Once I picked her up and noticed one of her paws was wet, and of course assumed she’d gone for a dip in my water glass. I felt frustrated, mostly at me because I know better than to leave an unprotected cup sitting around the house. I began having a “conversation” with Phoebe about the situation when my husband told me he’d just seen her playing in her water fountain. She’s been nowhere near my cup.

Sorry, Phoebe.

5. Gas passing

 

“I’m appalled!”

Yeah, the good old “the cat did it” excuse. My husband tried this once or twice, and now I don’t believe him at all when he tries to blame Cosmo for his gas attack. These days when I hold my nose, I look at my husband and roll my eyes. Don’t even try to blame the cat.

Sorry, Cosmo.

Have you ever falsely accused your cat? Tell us about it in the comments!

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.