Jan. 22 is Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day. I know this is supposed to be a serious type of day, where we actually learn something about our cats’ behavior and needs. My guess is there are plenty of articles covering that angle, so I’m going to take the (surprise!) sillier route. Now I’m not at all saying that cat health and behavior isn’t a serious subject — it’s just that … why do we have to be serious all the time?
OK, so I decided to answer some of my cats’ questions, and Saffy, Cosmo, and Phoebe were all too pleased to line up some inquiries.
Because it’s full of cat hair and spots of chili that fell off my spoon when I was eating on the sofa last night. I promise it won’t take long before the blanket starts to smell “good” again, because cats shed and I’m a sloppy eater.
Hi Saffy, that’s a great question, and one I can easily answer. Because if I fed you 10 times a day, you’d eat 10 times a day. If I fed you 20 times a day, you’d eat 20 times a day. And then you’d be asking why I don’t feed you 30 times a day. And you’d be as big as a house.
Let me take you back to a few weeks ago when I couldn’t find any of my tubes of lip balm, and you acted like you had no idea where they’d gone. And then I looked under my bed and found no fewer than SIX tubes. You thought you’d won the Burt’s Bees lottery and I was finally able to offer moisture to my poor dead lips.
Well, it’s winter and most of the birds have turned their hungry little beaks southward. This is the part where you realize how lucky you are that you’re an inside cat living in Minnesota, and don’t have to deal with the raw weather. This is the part where you stop being worried about the birds and get over here and let me huff your fuzzy belly. The birds will be back.
The short answer is NO. You are not to be trusted wandering around in a pantry stocked with food. I’ve seen you go to town on a bag of hamburger buns that was left on the counter, and I’m sure you’ll recall Saffy and the “butter dish incident.” I am willing, however, to give you an extra treat now and again. How’s that for a compromise? And don’t give me that look.
Oh, Phoebe … no one stole the Christmas tree. I know how much you loved sleeping underneath it, examining every square inch of the wrapped presents and climbing inside the gift bags. And that tree skirt was your favorite sleeping bag — I totally get it. The truth is, the branches were becoming dried and your tree was becoming a horribly dangerous fire hazard. It’s gone to that giant tree farm in the sky (sorry).
Because you look way cuter in it. End of story.
What kind of offbeat questions would your cat ask you? Tell us about it in the comments!
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About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.