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5 Reasons Why I'm Jealous of My Cats

My cats have no schedule and do what they want -- they're like little furry retired people. No fair!

 |  Jul 9th 2013  |   18 Contributions


My cats have it made. They basically create their own schedule, take lots of naps, have tons of time for hobbies, and don't give a crap what people think. They're sort of like furry little retired people.

I've always heard my elders say that when you grow older, you become ballsier (maybe they didn't use that exact word, but you know what I mean). They go on to encourage me that I'd be wise to live that way now so I can begin truly enjoying my life. I think my cats would tell me the same thing. I'm totally jealous of the way they live. I want to be like a retired person ... or a cat.

Why can't I do this all day? Unfair!

Here are five reasons why I'm jealous of my cats' lives.

1. They sleep when the spirit moves them

Would I rather pay bills or do this? Are you kidding??

Sometimes when I don't really feel like going anywhere but have to leave my house for one reason or another, I look at my cats and am downright envious. Lucky them -- they don't have to go grocery shopping. They can just stay home and sleep. No one's going to really make them do anything. Maybe that's why they freak out so much when we place them in a carrier to go to the vet. They're so used to doing everything on their terms and suddenly someone is messing with that freedom. "But I want to nap!" The big whiny babies should probably get out more often. 

2. They have unlimited time for hobbies

Sure, cats have hobbies! My three love to birdwatch and will sit for hours in the window, watching the array of avian visitors fly and strut in the yard and at the feeders. They also enjoy batting various small objects -- some of which are actual cat toys.

Phoebe likes to dig her teeth into her hobbies.

I wish I had more time in my schedule for hobbies. I don't read nearly as often as I'd like to and haven't touched my sewing machine in more than a year. Occasionally I'll be at my desk, a list of deadlines staring me in the face, and see my cat swatting a cork across the floor. I don't know if I'm jealous that she gets to play or if it just makes me thirsty for a glass of wine. Probably both. Yes, drinking wine is a hobby of mine, and I do find time for that. 

3. They don't experience clothing dilemmas

Do you ever have those days when you try on outfit after outfit and absolutely nothing feels or looks right? Or you're going to an event and just aren't sure about the appropriate dress? (You'd hate to be overdressed, but would feel like an utter nincompoop if underdressed.) Cats are never faced with these sorts of predicaments. They wake up and they're automatically ready for the day, dressed perfectly for any occasion. Sometimes my Saffy's long fur is a little out of place and she's prone to mats, but she'd never fret over her "outfit."

Saffy is dressed perfectly for every occasion.

Many years ago I worked jobs that required uniforms -- they were dag nasty, but the benefit was that I never had to choose an outfit before each work shift. I just had to make sure my uniform wasn't super-wrinkly or full of cat hair -- I could never promise either. Oh well, at least the cat hair on my uniform didn't have mats ... I'm pretty sure.

4. They eschew social niceties

People expect cats to sport attitudes, show sarcasm and ignore people. It's socially acceptable in the feline world for cats to be blatantly rude. In fact, we humans get a kick out of it. If I were to ignore annoying people all the time -- or slap or bite them -- I probably wouldn't be very popular. I also couldn't ever hold a job or get invited to parties or social outings. 

Saffy isn't shy about stealing everybody else's food. I'm kinda jealous.

Cats have no problem snagging food that doesn't belong to them. I admit to stealing bites of my husband's or close friends' food, but I'd never reach across the table at a restaurant and grab a piece of steak from some random person's plate. I wish I could, though. Sometimes I have major ordering remorse.

5. They don't have to talk on the phone

If you are a good friend of mine, you know not to call me because I can't stand talking on the phone. I much prefer texting, emailing or getting together in person. Unless there's a real reason to sit with a phone to my ear, I think the whole thing is a waste of time. I love my friends and family to death, and I'm OK chatting for a short time, but I'm not one to sit there for an hour "catching up." Plus, it makes my ear sweaty. Also, isn't excessive mobile phone usage supposed to give you cancer? Don't call me -- I don't want cancer.

Cosmo is probably as annoyed as I am.

My cats are so lucky -- no one ever calls them. Occasionally if I'm traveling, I'll call home and have my husband hold the phone up to my cats' ears so I can say hi. They have little patience for that, though. I can't say I blame them.

In what ways are you jealous of your cats? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Wrote a ridiculous humor book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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