Humor
Share this image

5 Luxuries I Can't Enjoy Because of My Cats

Champagne kisses? Caviar dreams? Hardly. I'd settle for leaving a full glass of water unattended!

 |  Jan 27th 2014  |   100 Contributions


I cannot even recall a life without cats. Growing up, our family always included at least one or two felines. So, as you can imagine, I've gotten used to a certain type of lifestyle. Sometimes I visit friends without cats and feel like I'm watching some kind of reality show featuring people who live in the lap of luxury. I mean you wouldn't believe the extravagances! 

I cannot wrap my mind around some of these lavish luxuries. And I'm not talking gold-plated toilets. Forget about champagne kisses and caviar dreams -- these are five real luxuries I've realized I cannot enjoy because I share my home with cats. 

1. Leaving a liquid-filled cup unattended

Cosmo's feeling tipsy.

After losing books and electronics and yelling "Grab a towel!" eleventy-billion times, those of us with cats finally learn we cannot leave a cup of liquid unattended. Need to simply cross the room to grab the remote control? Don't. They are little ninjas and will tip that cup faster than you can say, "I should have bought that laptop warranty." 

When I stay at hotels, I feel so decadent leaving the room with a full glass of water on my nightstand. It's so wrong, but so right. Forget about fancy jacuzzi suites -- I'm more giddy over the luxury of the unattended water glass when I travel.

2. Uninhibitedly walking up the stairs with a laundry basket

Cat-shaped roadblock.

Why is it that cats decide to lie right in the middle of our path when we are carrying a full laundry basket and can't see where we're going? And that path usually includes stairs, right? Or else they want to weave around our ankles, causing us to trip, drop the basket and tumble down the stairs, headfirst. I think they want us to drop the basket so they can jack the thing. What is it like to walk with a full basket, at a normal pace, not worrying about a possible concussion? Friends, that is a little slice of heaven I feel I shall never experience.

3. Eating chips without alerting the feline masses

Do I have to lock myself in a closet to eat my chips?

For once I would like to open a bag of chips and eat one or two without a little beggar kitty staring at me, especially when I know I just saw him chowing down at his food dish. I realize the crinkle of the chip bag is not unlike the crinkle of a treat bag, but still. I sometimes even offer kitty a sniff of the chip to show him I'm not going to town on his Greenies. Even after he has proof that I'm eating something he clearly doesn't want, he continues staring. Because now I'm a liar and there must be cat treats underneath the tortilla chips.

It's always a little bit of an indulgence when I eat chips at non-cat homes. There's something magical about carefree crunching without getting the guilt-trippy eyes. Ahhh.

4. Moving my legs in bed

Trapped!

My cats stake out their spots in my bed and there they stay. They don't inquire if I'm comfortable or ask if I have enough space to move. Because of this, I'm stuck -- it's like I'm in a mummy-style sleeping bag. And of course I'm not going to inconvenience them by asking them to move. They're the ones enjoying a life of luxury, which includes bed-hogging. This is another reason hotel rooms are such a strange and wonderful treat. A whole bed for me? Lifestyles of the rich and famous!

5. Closing a door

A-door-ation.

What's it like to leave a door open without the guarantee of banging paws happening only moments later? Or the pleading paws sliding under the door? Forget about privacy. I'm so conditioned to leave doors open that when I visit others, I have to remember to close the door when I go to the restroom. Those of you "door closers" who come from a privileged background just wouldn't understand.

But seriously, I wouldn't change a thing about any of the luxuries on which I'm missing out, because I know I already live in the lap of luxury ... and so do my cats.

What luxuries have you given up because of your cats? Tell us in the comments!

Let Catster make you laugh:

Read more by Angie Bailey:

About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (birthed right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

Contributions

Tip: Creating a profile and avatar takes just a minute and is a great way to participate in Catster's community of people who are passionate about cats.

blog comments powered by Disqus