Bubba's Bad Advice
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Bubba’s Bad (Valentine) Advice: A Gift That Says ‘I Love You, But I Don’t Want to Marry You’

This 14-year-old crabby tabby knows the key to romance is simple -- and surprisingly delicious.

Angela Lutz  |  Feb 5th 2016


In Bubba’s Bad Advice, Bubba Lee Kinsey, a 14-year-old gray tabby from Kansas City, Missouri, attempts to answer your burning questions and calm your deepest, darkest fears. The only problem: He’s kind of a jerk about it.

Dear Bubba Lee Kinsey,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year, and everything is going great. We make each other laugh, rarely fight, and both like cats way more than  people. We’ve started talking about moving in together, and until recently I was all for it.

So what changed? I guess things started getting too real too fast. I’ve lived alone for most of my adult life (I’m 29), and the idea of seeing the same person every day kinda freaks me out. I’m also worried that the dynamic of our relationship will change — like, what if we get sick of each other? What if we start arguing about dumb stuff all the time?

Moving in together would be scary enough without the fact that my girlfriend recently told me her best friend from high school got engaged. Then she asked if I had anything special planned for Valentine’s Day — and she winked at me, Bubba Lee Kinsey. It was terrifying.

I do love her, and maybe I’ll want to marry her someday — but definitely not today. What can I give her for Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I don’t want to marry you?”

Yours truly,

A Not-So-Eligible Bachelor

A big plate of bacon followed by a nap with his lady is Bubba Lee Kinsey's idea of romance.

A big plate of bacon followed by a nap with his lady is Bubba Lee Kinsey’s idea of romance.

Dear Bachelor,

So let me get this straight: You’re scared that if your relationship gets too serious, you’ll have to move in with your girlfriend, and if you do that, you fear marriage is inevitable? To a certain extent, I get where you’re coming from — like, I’d love to sneak into the front yard when the humans aren’t looking, but there’s always the chance I’ll get stuck out there. All I really want is to explore the wood pile and possibly torture and kill a bird or two, but my curiosity could lead to a more permanent inconvenience.

Bubba Lee Kinsey knows a thing or two about the ladies. Just ask his cuddle buddy, Phoenix.

Bubba Lee Kinsey knows a thing or two about the ladies. Just ask his cuddle buddy, Phoenix.

Perhaps a new relationship is something like that — you want to go outside long enough to warm your belly floof in the sunshine and torment some wildlife, but you’re also afraid to leave the couch, where it’s safe, comfortable, and familiar. Nothing bad has ever happened to you on the couch, after all.

The issue, I suppose, is that safety, comfort, and familiarity come at a cost. If I’d never ventured out into the yard, I never would have known about these incredible creatures called “squirrels.” They look exactly like cat toys — I kid you not — and they are a real challenge to catch. I never got the chance because the female human freaked out and hauled me back inside, but my point is that I took the risk, and it paid off.

Bubba says, "Nothin' says lovin' like a big plate of bacon."

Bubba says, “Nothin’ says lovin’ like a big plate of bacon.”

So, Bachelor, if you love this other human, at a certain point you’ll have to take a risk. Sure, maybe you’ll grow to hate each other — but it also could turn into something more incredible than a plate of wet food served before sunrise.

Now let’s talk about gifts. In my mind, the answer is obvious: If you want to give this other human something that says you love her and want her to be happy, I’d fry her up a big plate of bacon. If you want, you can even garnish it with something nice, like a sprig of catnip, and serve it with a big glass of something decadent and forbidden, like chocolate milk.

I know it might seem too simple to be true, but bacon is the way to the heart of all living things.

xoxo,

Bubba Lee Kinsey

Do you have a question for Bubba Lee Kinsey? Post it in the comments!

Read more by Bubba’s human:

About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.