In Bubba’s Bad Advice, Bubba Lee Kinsey, a 14-year-old gray tabby from Kansas City, Missouri, attempts to answer your burning questions and calm your deepest, darkest fears. The only problem: He’s kind of a jerk about it.
Dear Bubba Lee Kinsey,
It’s the start of a new year, and I’m trying to put the past behind me and be optimistic about a new beginning. I’ve purchased a planner, paid up my membership at the gym, and even found a few easy-to-prepare vegetarian recipes that I can cook to save money during the week. I feel like I’m heading in to 2016 with a running start.
Here’s the trouble: I do this every year, and by February I’m back to watching Law & Order on the couch every night while eating pretzel M&Ms and peanut butter-and-marshamallow fluff sandwiches, telling myself that self-improvement will just have to wait until next year.
How can I maintain my positive attitude and momentum to achieve my goals beyond the first few weeks of the year?
Well, Lazypants, it sounds like you’re a bit of an overachiever. I’m not sure why you’d pay for a gym membership when you can just chase the glowing red dot that shines from the heavens. After running back and forth across the living room a few times, I always feel reinvigorated — dare I say pumped up. Even though I’ve never caught that elusive jerk, the anticipation of our next encounter keeps me young.
Then there are these “recipes” of which you speak. The humans in my house use this word right before they start arguing about who is going to wash the dishes this time. I cannot begin to understand why your species is so obsessed with cooking when, in my experience, begging someone else for a bite of the food they already worked hard to prepare has served me just fine. Last night I scored several bites of bacon from the male human, and this morning, the female human let me lick out her cereal bowl.
But here’s the kicker, Lazypants: The humans always act like they’re not going to share with me. Sometimes they push me on to the floor and tell me to get a job, totally failing to acknowledge the effort it took to jump on the table and lick their toast in the first place. As long as I sit on the floor and stare at them, occasionally unleashing my patented half-purr/half-meow that makes the female human shriek with delight every time, I’m almost guaranteed at least a couple of bites of whatever delicious magic they’re shoving in their face holes.
Other times, however, the humans finish their meal without giving me a darn thing. In these instances, I don’t take it personally. The male human is always going to eat more fruit snacks, and the female human apparently can’t live more than a few hours without consuming granola. I’ll get another chance — and as long as I’m persistent, eventually I’ll get what I want.
Well, sort of, at least — I might want the whole granola bar, but if I have more than a few bites I always end up puking on the female human’s favorite rug. I guess you could say I get what I need, and a little extra.
So here’s my advice: Stare at what you want, Lazypants. Stare at it with all of the intensity you can muster, and when people tell you to give up or go away, ignore them. If they spray you in the face with a water gun, don’t back down. Stay focused, be patient, and before you know it, you’ll be licking bacon grease from the tips of those weird meaty paws of yours.
Bubba Lee Kinsey
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Read more by Bubba’s human:
About Angela: This not-crazy-at-all cat lady loves to lint-roll her favorite dress and go out dancing. She also frequents the gym, the vegan coffee joint, and the warm patch of sunlight on the living room floor. She enjoys a good cat rescue story about kindness and decency overcoming the odds, and she’s an enthusiastic recipient of headbutts and purrs from her two cats, Bubba Lee Kinsey and Phoenix.