Recently a woman stopped me as I was buying starfruit for an Icelandic salsa I’d been meaning to make for the past 19 months and asked me about her pet rock peeing outside the litter box.
I took her hand, led her from the store into a park, and told her everything I know about pet rock urinary confusion.
The salsa would have to wait.
What is pet rock urinary confusion?
One of the scariest things a pet rock parent can face is a rock who won’t use the litter box. I can’t tell you the number of calls I’ve received at midnight from pet rock parents who are beside themselves, sitting on curbs as their homes burn to the ground.
Actually, I can. The number is 117.
What caused such devastation? In more than half of the cases, the culprit was pet rock urine, which is composed almost entirely of hydrochloric fire acid. If it touches your hand, it will burn. If it is evacuated unceremoniously on your laminate “hardwood floors” from Home Depot in the early morning, the floors will catch fire.
In the other half of the cases, someone lit these poor S.O.B.s’ homes on fire.
It is therefore of the utmost importance that your pet rock pee in the litter box. It’s a matter of life and death. Literally — of those 117 people who called me, four succumbed to their injuries and 13 more are receiving long-term care in assisted-living homes.
They don’t tell you about that in vet school, but I sure told that woman in the park (Mary).
(Wonderful lady. We’re having a salad tomorrow.)
Here are five ways to make sure your pet rock pees in the litter box
1. Who says it has to be a box? Not me. I have a litter house. That’s right, my entire house has a four-inch layer of litter, and I don’t even have a pet rock.
2. When your pet rock pees outside the litter box, call your mother and tell her you love her. She’ll be so touched.
3. Try reasoning with your pet rock. Tell him about Aristotle. He was great at reasoning.
4. Give your pet rock something he wants in exchange. A little green moss on his underside? Some graffiti for his back? I once attached a mussel to my pet rock and he lived happily until I made a wonderful frutti de mare a week later.
5. You can try drugs, if you do so responsibly. Give some to your pet rock, too.
6. Your rock could be reacting to a change in his home environment. If you recently brought home a baby, you could always give it back. Most hospitals and fire department will take babies back, no questions asked.
7. Going the opposite direction, you could simply stop giving your pet rock water. Good God, it’s just a rock. It’ll survive.
With a little work, you can beat pet rock urinary confusion, and your house will not burn down.
Do you have a pet rock who pees outside the litter box? Do you sometimes leave your pet rock outside in the flowerbed with all the other rocks? Is your pet rock named Happy? Tell us in the comments!
Read more about pet rocks on Rockster:
About Dr. Rockus: I am a professional pinochle player who spends his spare time working full-time as a registered pet-rock veterinarian. Once I rode the Concorde. I am fond of dips and salsas. Sometimes I collect pet rocks from alongside the interstate in Death Valley. It is so quiet there. Peaceful. I have eight unfinished novels.