Dear Former Prospect Lefferts Gardens Resident,
Congratulations. The year is but eight frosty and freeze-flecked days old and you have already claimed the title of 2014’s worst cat person. Or, should I say, former cat person.
As I’m sure you’re aware by now, news of your cowardly and despicable act of dumping your cat in the lobby of your apartment building as you moved out is quickly spreading thorough the usual social media channels. I’m sure your new abode is quite the cat-free oasis. You probably don’t even need your lint roller any more. Phew.
When a friend forwarded me a link to a Craigslist posting titled “Some a**hole moved out of my complex and left their cat to die,” I assumed it might be someone’s attempt at humor — a troll-like title to liven up the back-to-work January blues. But nope, it turns out that’s exactly what you did.
As the Craigslist post explains, “So, I live right off the Winthrop Street subway stop. Someone in my community moved out right before the blizzard and just left their cat in the lobby.” That someone is you, who right now must be positively vibrating with the glorious and glowing relief of no longer being burdened by what the Craigslist poster goes on to describe as “the sweetest cat in the world.” Shockingly, the cat is also characterized as, “I have seriously never encountered such an affectionate animal.” You were a saint for coping with her for so long.
According to pictures added to the listing, you did the classy thing of leaving your cat — an amiable looking grey tabby — in a raggedy suitcase with two small cans of cat food. (No, you don’t get any extra points because you actually bothered to open them.) Turns out the building’s management then kicked the cat out and it was found freezing its little paws off outside on the communal patio as she waited for you to come back.
But you didn’t.
Because apparently you’re an individual missing a heart. And after calling the local animal control, the person who posted the listing has found out the cat can be taken in in but on the caveat that it has 72 hours to find a home or else it’ll be euthanized. Was state-administered cat killing one of your new year’s resolutions? You are on quite a roll.
Okay, maybe I’m doing you a disservice. Perhaps you have some deep-set psychological issues stemming from being abandoned as a baby in a suitcase yourself. It could happen. Maybe your parents left you with a couple of open cans of Chef Boyardee and were done with it. Maybe the whiff of the cloying sauce itself is enough to bring back traumatic memories. Maybe you’re looking for your own Olivia Benson to rescue you, and leaving the cat behind was a cry for help that you knew would be picked up by the social media machine.
But I doubt it. Let’s be honest: You’re just an incredibly abominable person who either assumed someone else would magically turn up to claim your responsibility, or worse — you think nothing of delivering a cat a death sentence.
Adding a kicker to your heinous act, only a few blocks away there’s a great feline mural proclaiming that the Prospect Lefferts Gardens neighborhood adores cats. I know this because I used to live in the area. Its main arteries of avenues may veer towards the bustling and boisterous side, but in my experience the PLG people are friendly and have a proud sense of community. Even the tattered scam artists pulling the baby formula ruse up and down nearby Flatbush Avenue in the early hours of the morning have more class than you.
The only glimmer of hope in this sad story is that it would seem that the cat is already on her way to a better life. The original listing has been taken down (I’m guessing because of a surge of people offering to help out). I asked a guy who runs a foster home near me if he’d take her in. He texted back within seconds saying that of course he would. (I’ll leave out the charming manner in which he addressed you.) Someone’s going to give a sweet cat a deserved forever home — hopefully she’ll soon forget all about the ordeal you’ve put her through.
Anyway, here’s to hoping no one else tops your status of the worst cat person before the year’s out.
Yours with much disdain,
Since penning this open letter about the plight of the abandoned cat, further developments have taken place. Click on the links below to read chronological updates on the cat, who has since become known as Tony Suitcase — and who is still at the time of writing in need of adoption.
About Phillip Mlynar: The self-appointed world’s foremost expert on rappers’ cats. When not penning posts on rap music, he can be found building DIY cat towers for his adopted domestic shorthair, Mimosa, and collecting Le Creuset cookware (in red). He has also invented cat sushi, but it’s not quite what you think it is.