I worked as a supervisor for many years and was also employed for a while in a human resources department. Needless to say, I’ve heard more than my share of weak excuses for employee tardiness and absenteeism. The run-of-the-mill offerings included lack of transportation, head colds and sinus infections, and family deaths. More imaginative types spun tales of bizarre rashes in questionable regions, cars breaking down miles from civilization and being chased by rabid raccoons.
If cats were gainfully employed, I’m certain they’d always be late and their excuses would be all kinds of ridiculous, because they’re lazy but pretty creative. Here are some of those excuses:
OK, this one is a pretty common reason for tardiness from human employees. And although the person tries their best to look pulled together, usually it’s pretty evident that they’re probably hungover. Cats wouldn’t have that particular problem (although catnip addiction is a hush-hush subject in the feline community), but they would definitely be subject to oversleeping. Humans might oversleep by an hour, but cats wouldn’t wake up until 4 to 6 hours past their shift’s start time.
“Sorry, boss — my human must have closed the door while I was in the laundry room. I was bathing for work, of course.” It’s always the human’s fault, you see. Lack of opposable thumbs allows cats to concoct all sorts of semi-believable cover stories that are just plausible enough to pass muster.
Oh, the old “nail caught in the afghan” excuse. “I told my human to clip my nails last week!” Ha! A cat asking to have her nails clipped. My cats see the clipper and hide under an afghan. “What? Was I supposed to drag this big blanket to work with me?” If I were her supervisor, the answer would have been: “Absolutely. See you in an hour.”
I understand cats can be rather obsessive when it comes to bathing, but responsibility is responsibility! Start cleaning and chewing on your toes an hour earlier! Or maybe skip the third round of butt-detailing!
My cats spend hours staring at backyard critters through windows. And cats take their staring seriously. Have you ever tried to outstare a cat? Good luck with that. But c’mon! You know you have to clock in at a certain time. Give it up to the bushy-tailed rodents and get your butt to work!
Cats would assert that they shouldn’t be expected to go anywhere on laundry day. Why would anyone waste all those baskets of warm, fresh-out-of-the-dryer laundry? In fact, some rabble-rousers would band together and ask for holiday pay on these sacred days. These loud-mouthed cats would soon form the first Feline Union (F.U.).
Again with the humans! “She was 30 minutes late with the food, so how could I be on time?” Would this be true? The supervisors would never know. For this reason, cat-based companies would start keeping bags of Friskies in the stock room. This would reduce the tardies, but create a rash of excessive breaks and overweight employees.
A new box arrived! Why in the world would a cat leave home to go anywhere if a fresh box was just dropped off by UPS? These cats would eventually get busted because they’d text selfies of themselves in the new boxes to their friends at work. These would eventually get to management and result in disciplinary action.
What ridiculous excuses would your cat offer his employer? Tell us about it in the comments!
About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.
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