As a writer, I’ve interviewed many people. It’s always interesting to learn what makes a person tick and what brought them to where they are today. Thankfully, most of my interviews are relatively easy — the people are good conversationalists and forthcoming with the answers to my questions. And I always walk away learning something interesting. Every once in a while there’s one who doesn’t quite know how to respond, either out of nerves or … just not knowing how to respond. This can be awkward for both of us, but I try to keep things moving along.

I find cats endlessly fascinating. I often wonder what’s going on in their fuzzy little brains. I sometimes look at their expressions and can guess what they’re thinking, but I want real answers, so I decided to interview them. What I discovered is that cats are pretty much the worst interviews ever. Before you pooh-pooh my statement, read the evidence. Here are five reasons that support my case, followed by a video of actual interview footage.

1. They fall asleep

When a cat wants to go to sleep, he or she wants to go to sleep. It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking to them. When I interviewed my Phoebe and Cosmo, they could barely keep their eyes open. For a few seconds I thought they were simply closing their eyes to mull over possible answers, but then the eyes didn’t open again. They must have been mulling in their sleep. Mulling must make cats sleepy.

"The answer is sleep. The answer is always sleep. Go away."

“The answer is sleep. The answer is always sleep. Go away.”

2. They won’t wake up

When I tried to rouse them out of a sleeping state to respond to my questions, they were immovable. I even tried to ask them questions I thought would appeal to their sense of play and adventure. Nothing! Professional advice: Don’t try to interview cats while they’re sleeping because sleep always wins.

"I'm listening, but I'm not listening. I'm a paradox."

“I’m listening, but I’m not listening. I’m a paradox.”

3. They ignore me

I happened to catch them awake for a few of the questions. Oh, joy! I thought for certain this would be my opportunity to grab some interesting tidbits from the cat mind. They sometimes looked at me while I asked the questions, but then they averted their eyes, telling me in no uncertain terms they weren’t interested in participating in my very important interview. Now, there’s only one word for that: rude.

"If I don't look at you, you'll go away. Go away."

“If I don’t look at you, you’ll go away. Go away.”

4. They’re busy bathing

I’m not sure whether bathing is a ploy they use to ignore me or if they think the sound of bottom-licking will drive me away, but they definitely used it as a response to a couple of my inquiries. It’s annoying to try to hold a conversation with someone who’s detailing their feet. I know cats are fastidious bathers, but wait until after the interview, maybe. Or maybe not. I guess it’s futile to think we can tell cats what to do.

"Wait a second -- I've got your answer right here."

“Wait a second — I’ve got your answer right here.”

5. They’re busy being cute

Cats can’t help it — they’re cute all the time. Even when they’re ignoring us, they’re stinkin’ adorable. I found this incredibly distracting during a couple of the interviews. Do they think if they roll over and show me kitty belly, I’ll stop asking questions? Or perhaps “kitty belly” is the answer to the question. If so, I completely understand. “Kitty belly” should probably be the answer to every question.

Just so you know I’m not stretching the truth, here’s a video with several clips of my interviews with Phoebe and Cosmo. You’ll certainly recognize the five reasons outlined in this post. I’m confident you’ll walk away from this post saying, “Wow — cats really are bad interviews. She wasn’t kidding!” You’ll also be saying, “kitty belly” over and over again, and all will be right with the world.

How would your cats respond to interviews? Tell us in the comments!