In general, cats enjoy the holiday season. What cat wouldn’t revel in festivities that include boxes, bags, trees, and lots of food? But you see, they want to revel on their own terms. They don’t want anyone telling them how and when to occupy a box, especially some chubby guy in a big red suit. And they sure don’t want a job of any kind. They’d make completely inefficient elves — here are five reasons why this is a fact.
When kitties are happy, they can make some serious biscuits on blankets, pillows, other pets, and even us. And once they’ve begun the biscuit-making process, they have absolutely no interest in stopping the meditative movements. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who’s endured stabby little claws to appease a blissed-out cat. Santa’s got a lot of belly space, which means lots of potential kitty bliss.
“Sorry, Santa — these Tinker Toys aren’t getting made this afternoon. I’m making biscuits instead. Get over yourself and get that ‘bowl full of jelly’ over here, STAT.”
Cats aren’t exactly what you’d call reliable — except when it comes to napping. We can usually count on them to sleep for a large chunk of the day. If cats were Santa’s elves, they’d conk out while assembling toys and only wake up when Mrs. Claus brought in tuna cookies. Nobody’s sleeping through tuna cookies, even fuzzy little slacker elves.
If you give a cat a ball … well, you know how that goes. Santa’d be out of his head to expect elven felines to stay on task with such swattable objects lying about the workshop! Pretty unreasonable, huh? Well, Santa can’t fill his sleigh in a timely manner when he has to retrieve all the toys and parts that have made their way under furniture. I do kind of like the visual of Santa on the floor with a broom handle, going after lost toys. Is that bad?
So there’s this empty bag sitting around Santa’s workshop. What do you think cats are going to do? An open bag is an open invitation to a cat. I think this one is all on Santa. If your elves are cats, you’ve gotta find a better way to store your work bags, big guy.
“Screw the toys — I’ll be inside this red velvet bag if anyone needs me,” said every cat in the workshop.
The elves we see on holiday programs and in Christmas books all have the same basic kind of look. They typically wear clothing and accessories with bells and fancy fabrics. Most cats would decline the position simply based on the uniform requirements. Santa’s probably a great boss and all, but I’m thinking he’s gonna insist his elves dress the part — that requirement is not negotiable. Cats hate to negotiate, anyway — they have way better things to do.
Cats want to know where to sign up for that “sleeping in Santa’s bag” job. And they want health benefits, free snacks and catnip, full access to Santa’s belly, and triple-pay on Christmas Eve. And still others would be really confused: “Hey, I thought this was a Lord of the Rings elf job. Nice beard, but you’re not Gandalf.”
Would your cat be a good elf for Santa? Tell us in the comments!
Read more by Angie Bailey:
About the Author: Angie Bailey is an eternal optimist with an adoration of all things silly. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, thinking about cats doing people things and The Smiths. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, Texts from Mittens (originated right here on Catster) and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that features sketches and mockumentaries. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.