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5 Jack-o-Lanterns That My Cats Would Carve for Halloween

Phoebe and Cosmo would go for feline themes -- birds, bugs, meat, and the revered cat butt.

Angie Bailey  |  Oct 20th 2016


Well friends, it’s the season of our friend the pumpkin. Pumpkins are making their way from fields to grocery stores to delicious pies. Yet, when most of us think about pumpkins, we imagine them carved as jack-o-lanterns in preparation for Halloween. The humans in our family create masterpieces from at least three or four big orange gourds, and every year they spend hours concocting their designs. Sometimes we have the traditional face, but we’ve also seen cats and cartoon characters — and one year we had Walter White’s glowing face on our front porch. It’s a good thing no one “broke” the jack-o-lantern that year. That would’ve been “bad.” Wah-wah-wah. #sorrynotsorry

Why should people be the only ones privileged enough to get their hands in those slimy guys and transform an orange shell into something magical? If given the opportunity, my cats would develop tons of festive ideas that would celebrate themes that are important or interesting to them. Here are five fine examples.

1. The cat butt-o-lantern

Butt look at this one!

“Butt look at this one!” Source

One of a cat’s favorite pastimes is licking his or her own behind, so why not honor that puckered little cat anus on a big orange gourd? My Cosmo and Phoebe would be all over that one. And I don’t think they’d be all “this is funny” about it either. They’d gather ’round the lit cat butt-o-lantern in complete reverence. Then they’d all start licking their butts at the same time — that’s plenty enough treat for them.

2. Spam-o-lantern

A canned response to Halloween.

A canned response to Halloween. Source

Okay, this could really be any kind of meat, but all I could find online was this glorious Spam-o-lantern. Lucky you, right? What cats wouldn’t want a decoration that they could eat after the holiday comes to a close? Knowing my kitties, though, they’d probably start gnawing on the canned meat only moments after completing the carving. At the end of the night, all that I’d find are piles of Spam vomit all over the carpet. Happy Halloween, suckers!

3. Creepy spider and web

A leg up on most jack-o-lanterns.

A leg up on most jack-o-lanterns. Source

My cats spend an excessive amount of time staring at bugs. They track them as they move across walls, screens, and floors. To a kitty, this a damn good time — an exercise of the mind and body. Sooner or later, though, the bug disappears by flying away, running off, or becoming the cat’s snack.

The cool part about carving a spider and web jack-o-lantern? The bug doesn’t move. I know that’s not much fun for cats who enjoy watching moving bugs; however, imagine the meditative staring that could happen with this thing. If it’s one thing cats love to do, it’s stare. Forget Halloween — it’d be just like Christmas!

4. The Angry Birds design

"Watch guys, I can take this one."

“Watch guys, I can take this one.” Source

My cats probably never played the Angry Birds game, but they believe their badass selves could go nose-to-beak with a feathered opponent. The truth is, my two are scaredy cats who hide at the sight of a loudly chirping blue jay or cardinal. Cosmo and Phoebe would create this scary design so they could practice their game faces, so the next time there’s a fur-and-feather altercation, they’re sufficiently scary and not hiding behind the curtains.

5. Ones with giant carved holes

cat-jack-o-lantern-pumpkin-fort

“I have this eye on you.” Source

A carved pumpkin is really nothing more than a container — like a box or basket. This is extraordinarily appealing to felines, my kitties included. I think they’d carve a jack-o-lantern with big lookout windows that are meant to be eyes, nose, and a mouth. The carving wouldn’t have to be fancy or precise. It’s just a fort, people.

What kind of jack-o-lantern would your cat carve? Tell us in the comments!