After spending most of my 43 years surrounded by cats, I’ve come to a conclusion: I want to be a cat. It’s work and worrisome to master some of the traits that just come naturally to felines. They’re so smug and smooth with their effortless expertise in doubling the length of their bodies with one graceful stretch.

Who else can fall asleep in the middle of a crowded room, curled up on a pile of rocks? Not that people usually have piles of rocks in their living rooms — I’m just trying to make a point. Can I please just have a smidgen of feline awesomeness?

Here are five cat traits I’d love to possess.

1. Physical flexibility

I love watching cat movement. Their flexibility and grace resembles something out of Swan Lake, without the tutus … at least in my cats’ cases. (I have a feeling Luna the Fashion Kitty looks full-on Swan Lake-y at times.) I especially enjoy looking at cats as they awake from a nap and perform the getting-out-of-sleeping-position stretch routine. I think my favorite one is where the butt is in the air and the front legs are stretched in front of them. Do you know what I mean?

I’m not completely inflexible. I stretch a little in the morning and do a few yoga poses. I’m sure my cats are watching me from the sofa, silently mocking my subpar elasticity. Well, I’d like to see them change a lightbulb. My opposable thumbs are the shizz.

2. The ability to quickly fall asleep anywhere

I’m a delicate flower when it comes to sleeping — the conditions have to be perfect. I go to bed at a reasonable hour, but it seems like as soon as my head hits the pillow, the mind monkeys take over and I begin obsessively making to-do lists and worrying about anything and everything. Meditation or reading sometimes help. I know experts advise against watching TV while you’re trying to go to sleep, but I’m an exception. Television actually puts me to sleep.

I often wake up in the middle of the night, smacked with insomnia. Each instance of my husband snoring, a cat fidgeting or a full bladder nagging lessens my chances of snoozing again. Sometimes TV, reading or meditation fail to lull me back to dreamland, so I remain awake. I’ve never met a cat who struggled with any of these troubles. In fact, they usually have trouble keeping their eyes open. They don’t care anything about books or TV and they’re in a constant state of meditation. No fair.

3. No fear

Cats are daredevils. My Phoebe walks along the top of the railing that overlooks our entryway. She confidently scales tall kitchen cabinetry and explores dark spaces without batting a third eyelid. I’m afraid of heights, freaked out by the dark, and am hopelessly claustrophobic. Oh, and I’m moderately accident prone. I’m the polar opposite of a cat in every respect of daredevilry.

Oh, how I long to feel excitement at the prospect of riding a roller coaster, skydiving, walking through a haunted house … zipping myself into a mummy-style sleeping bag. On the up side, my fear of thrill rides has saved me from spending $50 on amusement park admission and an additional $12 on a bottle of water inside the park.

4. Marking people and objects

Kitties rub their faces against us to leave their scent and tell the world, “You’re mine!” They mark objects as well. I think it would be fun to be able to somehow leave markings like that. Sure my husband wears a wedding ring, but what if I were able to mark him up so other ladies would know he’s taken?

I could do the same thing with my personal effects. My cell phone or wallet would never be stolen. Oh, and how cool would it be to leave my scent on prime seats in a movie theater, and then leave to have some drinks. I would sashay in as the previews were ending and my seat would still be open and available — even in a full theater. The possibilities are endless!

5. Mad hunting skills

Cats are notoriously expert hunters. They’re patient and systematically track and pounce on their prey. I’m not at all interested in biting the head off of a mouse, but I would like having a touch of the skill and instinct behind that ability. I’ve never been somebody you’d call “patient.” I’ve learned some and have gotten way better over the years, but I’m an instant gratification kind of girl.

Because I chomp at the bit, I can sometimes overpay for purchases and I don’t take the time to clip coupons or seek the location to nail the best deal on an item. I’d be pleased as punch if I suddenly became a kick-butt bargain hunter. I’d patiently plan my grocery-buying strategy and be like those extreme couponers — except with less crazy (she says with cat ears on her head). The cashier would scan my stack of coupons and then she’d owe me money. Can you see me crouched down, slinking down the aisles of the store, all badass like ninja cat? I can. Totally.

Do you wish you possessed cat traits? Tell us about it in the comments!

About the Author: Angie Bailey is a goofy girl with freckles and giant smile who wants everyone to be her friend. Loves pre-adolescent boy humor, puns, making up parody songs, and thinking about cats doing people things. Writes Catladyland, a cat humor blog, and authored whiskerslist: the kitty classifieds, a silly book about cats wheeling and dealing online. Partner in a production company and writes and acts in comedy web series that may or may not offend people. Mother to two humans and three cats, all of which want her to make them food.

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