Advice columns for humans have existed for a long time, and they cover a wide range of topics including dealing with relatives who overstay their welcome and guidance on kinky sex practices. Personally, I love reading advice columns because I can often glean a little something that applies to my own life, but also because they’re a window into other people’s drama. In a way, they’re like tuning into a reality show, except someone actually tries to solve the issues at hand.
I think cats would make excellent advice columnists. They’re such know-it-alls anyway, right? Here are five columns cats would write.
I’m hosting my girlfriend’s family for a fancy dinner, and I want to make a good impression. I have access to several goldfish (still swimming) and plan to hunt a few field mice. Do you have any advice for presentation that will wow the parents and make my lovely tabby swoon? I should also mention I’m not naturally artistic and dismember rodents in seconds flat. Any help is appreciated!
— Stressed to Impress
You certainly are in a pickle, aren’t you? I have some simple suggestions that will be a hit with the parents and also score you points with your beloved.
The goldfish are a perfect appetizer. Let the fish swim until moments before dining. Your guests will enjoy pawing at the fish prior to the meal, plus it will distract them so you can quickly prepare the fresh field mice. Field mice can be tricky, especially if they’re a natural weakness to the chef. I’ve spoken to many cats whose platter of mice never make it to the table because they simply couldn’t control themselves. Believe me, I understand — I come from a long line of barn cats. As for preparation, make sure they’re freshly hunted and then fan them across a plate, alternating between belly-up and belly-down. The eye-catching pattern will be jaw-dropping and make your guests think you’re not only artistic, but nothing short of brilliant!
I just started dating a handsome tom who has the reputation of a “ladies’ man” in my neighborhood. He tells me his playboy days are behind him, but a friend just told me he has TWO litters of kittens in the next neighborhood. I want to trust him, but I’m worried this allegation might be true. What should I do?
— Girlfriend of “Tom Cruise”
First of all, that tom needs to get neutered ASAP. Girl, what are you thinking? And I hope to Bast you’re spayed. Whatever the case, this alleged baby-daddy has some ‘splainin’ to do. If you’d like to stay in a relationship with this fellow, insist upon an immediate neuter procedure and, if he resists, run! Grrrl, run like the neighbor’s Doberman is chasing you.
My friends make fun of me because I’ve never caught anything. I try, but my hunting skills are awkward at best. I can’t even catch a moth on a screen. The shame runs deep because my father was an award-winning hunter who was revered in parks for miles around my town. Do you have any tips for how I can perfect my skills and make my friends and family proud? I’d especially enjoy snagging a red squirrel.
— Hunt for Red Squirrel-tober
It’s hard when we’re held up against a cat with such an illustrious reputation, especially for something like hunting, which is supposed to come naturally for us felines. I’d recommend relaxing and letting things happen. I think part of your intense anxiety comes from comparing yourself to your father. Why not start small and go after that moth on the screen? You don’t have to do it when other cats are around. Take all the time you need and do it for you, not anyone else. I see big things in your future. I’d steer clear of red squirrels, though — they’re fast and mean. Plus, I have it on good authority that they hold grudges.
My best friend gave me a catnip banana, which is great because he knows it’s my favorite toy. Then I found out he only gave it to me because he already had one, so he was totally re-gifting. I don’t care about the re-gifting part — it’s just that he tried to pass it off as a special gift he chose especially for me. Should I be offended? Is it okay to re-gift without disclosure?
— Going Bananas
Re-gifting is a fine practice. I’ve received many lovely gifts in this manner. I’m specifically thinking of a crinkly snake toy that quickly became a prized addition to my collection. I don’t think it matters if he disclosed or not. The point is that he thought of you, and that’s a sign of a good friend. Be gracious, enjoy the catnip banana, and stop overthinking!
The humans in our house keep picking us up when we’re trying to sleep. We’re kittens! We need our sleep. This is beyond annoying. Please tell us what we can do because now we’re irritated and sleepy.
— Sleepless in Sea-catt-le
You know those tiny, sharp teeth you have? Use them. You know those tiny sharp claws you have? Use those, too. That’s all the advice you need, my friends.
P.S. Screaming high-pitched kitten meows in the middle of the night is a great payback.
Enjoy your naps!
What kind of advice column would your cat write? Tell us in the comments!